Leading Tories feel your pain

Written by Nick Cooper

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

image for Leading Tories feel your pain
Cameron: He's on your side.

Tory leader David Cameron and Shadow Chancellor George Osborne have opened up to nation, describing how the credit crunch is affecting them and their families. At a joint appearance on ITV's This Morning, they detailed the steps they have taken to adapt their lifestyles to the new economic realities.

Osborne, a millionaire and heir to the family wallpaper business, explained how his family has been living differently in recent months.

"In the old days, Mummy and Daddy would hire a private jet to fly in fresh Beluga caviar from the Caspian Sea so we could have a nice starter with our roast swan on Sundays. Now we have to rely on there being some left at Harrods," he whined. "And as for breakfasts, I've resigned myself to the fact that scrambled quail's eggs with Alaskan wild salmon are not something I can eat everyday."

Mr Osborne's sacrifices are not limited to food though. When asked about how the price of petrol had affected him, he appeared close to tears when describing how he had given up driving his fleet of 10 mile to the gallon vintage sports cars and switched to a run of the mill 2008 Jaguar XJ.

Mr Cameron, not short of a few quid himself, patted his friend on the back and took over the interview.

"Of course, I also understand how people in the country are feeling. My big 1 million quid bastard house in Notting Hill is a bugger to heat, so our gas bill is through the roof," he explained in that sort of too loud, cut glass accent, that makes you want to punch the speaker. "Then you have to consider the house in Oxfordshire with the Aga that's always on, pumping endless heat into a mostly empty house - it's costing me thousands!" The leader of the opposition then went on to outline the changes he has made in his travel arrangements in order to save his precious fortune. "As you know, I cycle to Westminster as much as possible, but in this era of financial restraint, my driver follows me in a fuck off people carrier only two days out of four."

Later that day, the two men were seen buying loads of bling in a Kensington jewellers, before heading down to posh bank Coutts to draw out massive great wads of cash.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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