Rockall's Serious Crimes Squad plods are hot on the trail of a gang of criminals who robbed the island's First Guillemot Bank of an estimated £50 million on Wednesday morning.
The crime squad's supremo, Chief Superintendent Harry Codhead, informed TheSpoof.com that the raid was carried out with military precision. When asked to elaborate on this point C.S. Codhead replied "By someone with Boy Scout training at the very least."
First Guillemot Bank manager, Fergus McClot, told media reporters that he was pedaling to work early on Wednesday morning when pulled over for speeding by what he believed was an unmarked police van. The van's occupants, dressed in police uniforms, bundled him into the back of the van and drove off, leaving his mountain bike lying by the kerb.
"It was only when thrown into the back of the van that I realized this wasn't an arrest for speeding," McClot explained. "There were several hooded men in the back too and they had my pet guinea pigs, Porky and Snotter, in a cage.
"I was told that if I didn't cooperate and let them into the bank my guinea pigs would end up nailed to the Millennium Totem Pole on Periwinkle Point.
"It was a terrifying experience, for Porky and Snotter more so than myself.
"I'm no stranger to pain, suffering and torture as I attended public school."
Police confirmed that McClot, under great personal duress and fear for his pet's lives, had assisted the robbery gang in gaining access to the bank.
"The bank vault itself apparently presented no problem for the robbers," Chief Superintendent Codhead informed the island's media, "as the vault door's padlock has been bust since 1967."
Following the robbery questions were raised on Rockall's prime television Petrel News program as to why such a large amount of cash was being stored at the bank. Speculations and rumours ranging from smuggled drug money belonging to the Benbecula Cocaine Cartel to money laundering operations by Rockall's Hall's Ledge Casino are rife.
Arturo Corruptioni, attorney for the First Guillemot Bank S.A. Group, spoke by phone to The Spoof's editorial desk from the bank's headquarters in the Dutch Antilles. "All this money laundering speculation has no basis," Mr. Corruptioni advised. "Rockall's commerce generates so much cash, not only from the Hall's Ledge Casino but also the daily haddock auctions, the Slappers Lane massage clinics and especially the island's chain of Greasy Git fish and chip shops and the beachfront's Pot Pot Insta-Noodle stalls."
"Mr. Al Jezeera's string of Pound Emporiums generates over ten million quid a week in readies alone," Corruptioni added before gunshots and screams were heard in the background and the line went dead.
Hall's Ledge Casino's PR spokesman, Malcolm Mafiosi, stated that to comment on the Petrel News' unfounded money laundering rumours was below his dignity, but did advise media reporters "If yer don't piss off sharpish-like I'll 'ave yer fuckin' legs broken."
Police breakthroughs came early yesterday when the robbery gang's van was found, abandoned and concealed by undergrowth, in the nearby Hasselwood Rock forest. Forensic teams are currently examining the van for clues to the gang's identities.
A second breakthrough came in the afternoon when police were summoned to the Tesco Extra branch on the Great Auk Bypass.
Teenagers Asbo McDork and Rita Tithead, both residents of the West Rockall Regeneration Estate, had attempted to purchase trolleys full of Smoked Haddock flavour crisps and cases of Foamy Fulmar lager with a £6,000 bundle of banknotes bearing a First Guillemot Bank wrapper.
Apprehended by Tesco security guards, the pair were arrested by responding police officers and interviewed at the Serious Crimes Squad headquarters.
Chief Superintendent Codhead later informed a press conference "The arrests are highly significant, but personally I doubt these two have the collective brains to wipe their own arses, let alone rob a bank.
"They claim to have found the banknote bundle on Scumsurf Beach, protruding from the beak of a distressed cormorant which was apparently choking on it.
"However, under Rockall's current anti-terrorist legislation, we can hold them for up to five years without pressing charges," C.S. Codhead concluded.
On a happier note Porky and Snotter were discovered today, safe and sound, nibbling gorse bushes and nettles in the Fighting Dog and Pikey pub's beer garden.
With a two million pound million reward currently on offer for information leading to the arrest of the gang, the 24 hour witness appeal line is Rockall 123456.
So go on, give us a call, even if you don't have any worthwhile information. Like the National Lotto : if you're not in, you won't win.
The public can also call Rockall's Crimestoppers on the freephone number 09000 678 91011 if they wish to remain anonymous, or make bogus confessions that they masterminded the robbery.
