At a BP service station in England today, an American tourist filled up a badger with 5-star super unleaded.
Speaking from his car, Andrew Thomson said: 'Yep, I keep forgettin' that these crazy limeys use different words for things, it's damn' confusing! Petrol is gas in America, but I got muddled up, and fired a canister of poisonous gas into my fuel tank, then started to fill the badger up with petrol! Man, my wife is gonna be mad! Took me an hour to get the fire under control, lucky I had the badger to use as a cloth to clean the windshield.'
This is not the first time that the British and Americans have had problems with what is supposed to be a common language, as any Englishman asking for a 'packet of 20 fags' in an American store has found out, or by saying 'I'm sitting on my bum' there. But the RSPCA are nonetheless due to investigate Mr Thomson's actions.
A spokesman for the animal welfare group said: 'We know it was accidental, but it still could be seen as cruelty, to pour about a pint of petrol down an animal's throat and to then use it as a cloth to wipe up some bird mess.'
And Mr Thomson himself admitted: 'Heck, I'm just too lazy to learn all these weird British words! In one shop I asked for a bottle of mash, and the woman there asked me if I meant potatoes!'
Local resident and soldier, Lieutenant-Colonel Arthur C Clerk, said: 'Look, it's 'left-tenant', not 'loo-tenant', we use the right words and pronounciations!' And another local, Irene Fforbes-Ralphmitchambough, added: 'Well, I like the way Americans use funny words, it's funny.'
And Mr Roberts said: 'I've been married to an English girl for 25 years, and still have to ask her what on earth she's talking about sometimes. Why can't the British learn their own language properly?' But one British citizen, speaking from a castle near Aberdeen, commented: 'We are not amused. Our English is perfect, our cousins in America need to learn our words, just listen to George W Bush.'
And so the 2 countries will stay divided by a common language, as Winston Churchill once said, and badgers and smokers will need to be extra wary when meeting foreigners. However, it's generally agreed by scientists that at least North Americans understand each other perfectly - in Britain, you need an interpreter if you travel more than 3 miles outside of your own town or city.
