Warnings against panic cause panic, warn panic-merchants

Funny story written by Jimbo Gunn

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

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SHIT!

Panic-merchants today in the Daily Telegraph warned that asking the public not to panic will only cause mass panic. The warning comes ahead of a planned panic by large sections of the public who haven't had the opportunity to panic since the last mass panic almost eight years ago.

"This [move to warn the public] smacks of panic within the government," warned a retailer likely to be affected by any public panic over the weekend. "Instead, they should have just ignored the issue like they normally do."

The threat of mass panic has been rising steadily since England failed to qualify for Euro 2008, where the customary threat of failing to qualify from the group stages and obligatory nail-biting penalty shoot-out against Germany provide a quadrennial opportunity for a controlled mass-panic that actually has a stabilizing effect on the panic levels of the nation, according to leading panic expert Corporal Jones.

The public's urge to panic-buy is also usually satisfied by football tournaments, explained Jones. "This year, the urge to buy vast quantities of beer at the supermarket on Friday night has been supplanted by the urge to buy vast quantities of petrol."

Meanwhile, London Fire Brigade have warned against storing petrol in the bathtub as it may catch fire.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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