A lucky British man escaped being cut in half by a giant laser while strapped to a metal table by a wealthy German evil genius. James Bond was captured and taken to a top-secret lair located inside an artificial volcano, where he was subjected to the 'cruel and unusual' torture.
"He was lucky to escape with his life", said Mr. Bonds long-time colleague Q, "he wouldn't have been the first co-worker I've seen killed by a fiendish monster. Barbara in the canteen was eaten by robotic sharks last year".
Police have been given a description of his attackers and have issued a foto-fit of the ringleader.
"He's described as about 5 feet 10, carries an evil cat, large build, speaks with a pronounced German accent and is well dressed - often seen wearing a rather fetching golf outfit - thats the man I'm referring to, not the cat", said a police spokesman, "he is often accompanied by a large man-servant of Asian origin, wearing a 'killer' bowler hat".
Police believe that the description they have been given will be of great help in their inquiries.
"They are not the sort of people who blend easily into regular society so we have high hopes that someone will have spotted them - maybe down at the local supermarket or pub", he added.