Paul and Ringo Announce Who will be the New Beatles

Funny story written by SeanFallon

Monday, 5 May 2008

Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr have decided that they want to revive the Beatles, finding replacements for the late John Lennon and George Harrison.

With Paul as the bass player and Ringo as the drummer, they hoped to merge with another group that needed a bass player and drummer. Then, Paul decided Who would join them.

After the loss of drummer Keith Moon, and bass player Jon Entwistle, the surviving members of the Who would be the ultimate replacements. So, Paul McCartney made a phone call to Roger Daltry, asking him if he and Pete Townshend would like to join with them to revive the Beatles.

Roger Daltry replied with one word, "Yeaaaaah."

The four of them met with producer George Martin at Abbey Road studios in London on April 21, and began recording their new album, projected for an October release from EMI records. The band felt instant chemistry right from the start, as they began their new recordings.

When Paul McCartney was questioned as to what the fans can expect to hear on the new album, he replied, "So far we've recorded three brand new songs, using music and lyrics that I had sitting around. Pete and I are working on writing the other material. Roger and I will do most of the lead vocals, with appearances by Pete, and the traditional one song by Ringo. You can expect a sound similar to our White Album."

The newly formed group shocked an unsuspecting crowd at the Allerton Hall pub in Liverpool, on May 3, when they appeared to perform a live concert, billed merely as "Sgt. Pepper's Teenage Wasteland Band." When they walked out on stage, the crowd went wild, as they opened with the Beatles' classic, "Get Back." Some highlights included "A Day in the Life," with Roger Daltry singing John Lennon's traditional part, and "All You Need is Love," with Paul McCartney singing John Lennon's traditional lead vocals, and Roger Daltry coming in at the end with the chorus, "Love Reign O'er Me," in place of the "She Loves You" chorus that appeared on the original studio recording.

They debuted one of their new songs, to a mixed crowd reaction.

The highlight, however, was their final number(before the encore of "Let It Be" and "Hey Jude.") It appeared as if it was going to be strictly "Won't Get Fooled Again," until Roger Daltry said the words, "I pick up my guitar and play, just like yesterday," where Paul McCartney suddenly came in with a chorus of "Yesterday," however at a faster pace, keeping with the "Won't Get Fooled Again" instrumentation. After the words, "I believe in yesterday," Roger Daltry took over again with, "and I get on my knees and pray..." This happened with a new chorus of "Yesterday," each time Roger Daltry got to that word in, "Won't Get Fooled Again." The crowd was mesmerized by this.

After the show, when Ringo was asked how he felt about the combining of "Won't Get Fooled Again," and "Yesterday," he cheekily replied, "I felt like I just played 'Yesterday' better than I ever have before."

Pete Townshend quipped, "Those people in the pub got to see us for just the ten pound cover fee. That's a bargain, the best they ever had."

When Roger Daltry was asked if they intend to start touring, he replied, "You better you better you bet. We're going mobile for miles and miles and miles, anyway, anyhow, anywhere we choose. These kids are alright. They recognized us right away, without needing to ask, 'Who are you?' I can't explain what a wonderful feeling it is that Pete and I get to join together with Paul and Ringo, even if we will be viewed as substitute Beatles. I won't be a sad man behind blue eyes anymore. Now, I can go to the mirror and smile, since we're getting back in tune. It makes me so glad that I didn't die before I got old."

The future of the Beatles looks very promising, as Paul McCartney expressed similar sentiments of optimism, when speaking to a skeptical reporter. "In my life, it's been a long and winding road of hard days' nights, eight days a week, since the Beatles split up. Now, though, I feel fine, as I have to believe it's getting better. Yes it is. Now, here comes the sun on this good morning, a good morning to be filled with good day sunshine and no rain.

"While the memories of yesterday may be longer than the road that stretches out ahead, two of us have now come together, fixing a hole with the help of surviving members of the Who, so life goes on with a little help from my friends. All together now, we will get to prove the things we said today, and prove all who thought the Beatles would last for not a second time with a Sgt. Pepper reprise, that they were wrong.

"I'm only sleeping golden slumbers, now, because we can work it out, as we will still carry that weight of success as we get back to the top of the charts.

"Sure, I've been distracted by marital problems with my last wife. Even though it was a time when I acted as if I needed someone, I should have known better to avoid a day tripper, when she said to me, 'Baby, you're a rich man,' and then she said that, 'you never give me your money.' Knowing that I can't buy me love, I told her, 'Honey pie, you can't do that. What you're doing is wrong. The taxman takes too much of my money. Oh darling, I'm so tired of you asking for money. I need you to stop acting this way.' She's a woman who always had an attitude of, 'I, me, mine,' never, 'I love you, too.' It's all too much to take. She's so heavy with the complaints, always, 'I want your money,' never, 'I want you.' She's the type of person that makes you want to run for your life whenever she starts talking.

"So, we got a divorce, as I kicked her out like an old brown shoe.

"She's leaving home as all I've got to do is hide my love away, convincing myself that it's only love, anyway. Otherwise, I'll cry instead in my misery, as if I just ate a glass onion, while my guitar gently weeps, too, for a long, long, long time.

"I guess I'll just tell her, 'Thank you girl. Whether within you or without you, I'll get you to see that all you need is love,' as I let it be. This boy has learned that whether she loves you, or whether you're gonna lose that girl; it is a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder, singing yer blues, acting like a nowhere man, or thinking that happiness is a warm gun.

"So, now that I'm free as a bird, you won't see me stop writing paperbacks, and good new music about all my loving relationships, real love whether it is towards a girl like Michelle, lovely Rita, Martha my dear, polythene Pam, Maggie Mae, dear Prudence, a Norwegian bird, or another girl, if I fell for every little thing about her deeply enough to trust her to drive my car.

"In fact, the night before, I've just seen a face that I can't forget, and I love her, something about the way she moves. I saw her standing there, approached her, and told her, 'I wanna hold your hand, but I'd be happy just to dance with you. Either way, I've got a feeling that I've got to get you into my life, and I will. Do you want to know a secret, just from me to you? I am the Walrus, not John. I wanna be your man, so please please me and don't let me down. You know my name, so look up the number as I call your name on your cell phone. Don't pass me by, but love me do, and P.S. I love you.' I guess she thinks I'm a loser because she gave me no reply other than 'don't bother me.'

"So, now, I'll follow the sun to a place where I'll find someone who will hold me tight. If someone points to a woman and tells me, 'Sie liebt dich' I'll tell that woman, 'Komm, gib mir deine hand.' You may think for yourself that we should say 'goodbye' to our career, and tell me why, but I say 'hello' to new success. You only tell me what you see outwardly during a day in the life of a rock star, but I know what goes on inside my mind. Our future may seem for you blue, but I don't want to spoil the party of our hope of success.

"If you ask me why I speak the word of hope and love, it's because I can say for sure that no sun king or sexy Sadie trying to sell us the inner light is going to make a fool of us this time, nor will we disgrace any of our live concerts by singing 'The Ballad of John & Yoko.' Besides, I'm looking through you, knowing that deep down inside, you like me too much, and want to wait as you feel that tomorrow never knows what may happen.

"You may think I'm down now; but I want to tell you that it won't be long before I'll be back on the top of the charts, holding positions #1 through #9, as our fans love the inner groove of our sound. Our music will touch old fans that your mother should know such as Sgt. Pepper, Dr. Robert, Bungalow Bill, Mean Mr. Mustard, Mr. Kite, Rocky Raccoon, Julia, Father McKenzie, Lady Madonna, or Desmond and Molly Jones, as well as our new fans that may include a little child like mother nature's son, or a cry baby crying like those little babies in black, as our songs are written for no one generation in particular, nor is it only a northern song.

"All people and places will dig it. Even my monkey who has nothing to hide, a bulldog standing in the rain, a blackbird in the dead of night, a pony digging in the ground, and your bird can sing along. The Beatles have a ticket to ride either on the one after 909, or in our yellow submarine as we start a new revolution on a magical mystery tour down Penny Lane, across Strawberry Fields, along Blue Jay Way, flying up by Lucy in the Sky, back in the U.S.S.R., in her majesty's palace, in through the bathroom window, in the road where no one will be watching us, where there's a place by the fool on the hill, in a pen with little piggies, under the sea in an Octopus's Garden, here, there, and everywhere across the universe, any time at all, as we eat wild honey pie and savoy truffles while going helter skelter, even when I'm 64 and beyond that birthday, when Christmas time is here again, all the way until Maxwell's silver hammer comes down in the end when I get home and it's time to say, 'good night.'"

When the reporter commented that Paul just directly or indirectly referenced every original Beatles song that was commercially released, prior to the 1990s, Paul firmly replied, "Our new music will be even better!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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