My secret to sex success - Peter Stringfellow reveals all!

Written by Mike Oxhuge

Sunday, 4 May 2008


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Peter Stringfellow, nightclub owner and mullet aficionado has finally revealed his secret to bedding so many good looking women.

The revelation comes to put and end to years of speculation from the scientific community and most heterosexual men around the country. Many had believed that the combination of a peroxide, receding hair-lined mullet and tiger print thongs could hold mystical powers. It was also a widely held view that this may bear close links with Germany's active swinging and pornography scene where seemingly unattractive men are able to engage in highly dubious sexual acts with relatively attractive women.

Stringfellow, 72, confessed, "It has nothing to do with my rugged good looks. I try to select girls with little or no intelligence and I pay them money. I often like to promise them a chance to meet well known celebrities such as Jodie Marsh and that guy off of Celebrity Love Island. They love it and just can't get enough."

The scientific community was celebrating last night as one of the greatest mysteries of modern man had finally been solved. Dr Paul Menob said, "At last, we have the answer we've been searching for. Scientifically it should have been impossible for someone like Mr Stringfellow to actually have intercourse with anyone as he fails to exude any qualities that one would associate with an alpha male. We had experimented with various combinations of thongs, mullets and hair products but to no avail. Most of our test subjects either died or were put onto the sex offenders register. Mr Stringfellow has certainly been an anomaly."

When asked what scientists would be investigating next, Dr Menob was somewhat non committal with his answers, but he did indicate that it may focus upon Justin Lee Collins recent genetic regression into an ape.

Reactions from the street were mixed. Justin Side,32, from Scunthorpe said yesterday, "It has come as a great sadness. I'm an overweight Star Trek fan and sweat profusely. I have never had a girlfriend. I always looked at Peter and thought: If he can do it, then there's hope for me yet. Now I know that its been nothing more than a sham. I have even begun to wonder whether Brut 33 is the scent that women just can't resist."

Wendy Ernokoff, 40, was far more upbeat, "I'm glad its come out in the open. For many years ugly men have believed that mullet hairdos and a good sense of humour is the key to getting into a girl's knickers. Its just not true, the only sure-fire way is if you look like Tom Cruise, are hung like Mr Ed and have pots of money. Every girl knows that!"

The revelations have also had a knock on effect on the stock market with Old Spice, Brylcreem, Pierre Cardin and Farrah all reporting losses. Mr Stringfellows plans are unclear as of present however, there has been rumour of a self help video being released to help all ugly people come to terms with their 'swamp donkey' status.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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