Following the drubbing Labour have received in the local elections, the Zimbabwean President, Robert Mugabe, has offered his considerable election-winning expertise to Prime Minister Gordon Brown.
In a letter to the PM, the infamous African lunatic and murderer wrote:
"The hearts of my people in Zimbabwe may be beating less strongly because of their lack of housing, food and water, but they nevertheless go out to you at this time of stress for your political party.
"However, I urge you to stay strong and to encourage your ministers to open bank accounts in Switzerland and to put in as much money - obviously not theirs of course - as possible.
"While many results have already been published, it is not too late to change them. Unlike us here in Zimbabwe, you do not have to call on the United Nations for unwanted assistance with the count. So my suggestion to you is to check which vote counters have tattoos, metal piercings or ponytails, as these are grounds for declaring the vote counters mad and demand a recount.
"With careful planning, you will be able to swap the ballot boxes, for ones, as they used to say on your Blue Peter television programme, that "you have prepared earlier" - by the way, I did like that Valerie Singleton chappie of yours. Very firm breasts and wonderful child-bearing hips by all accounts. But I digress.
"If you cannot adjust voting by this manner, you should consider sending in troops in to assist those who haven't voted for you to attend hospital or their local funeral parlour."