Bolton Police Drugs Raid Goes Tits-Up

Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 18 April 2008

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Alice laughs it off afterwards

Police in Bolton who executed a daring dawn raid on, what they believed to be, a local drugs den, realised somewhat belatedly, that something was amiss when, instead of drugs dealers armed with guns and machetes, they encountered an infirm grandmother in her dressing gown and slippers, and with her hair in rollers.

Alice Arbuckle, of Blackrod, had woken up early to feed her cat and her dog, both called Tiddles, and decided that, whilst she was up, she might as well empty her bowels.

It was then that 15 officers wearing body armour smashed down her front door, and another 8 came sailing through her kitchen window on ropes, in an effort to apprehend villains, but ended-up with only sweet old Alice for company.

Mrs Arbuckle, a 91-year-old widow, told reporters how the police adopted a "very stern approach" with her, and ordered the grandma to "get down on the ground", whilst training their weapons on her. She told them:

"Ee bah gum! 'Al put kettle on."

Detective Chief Superintendent Mick Truncheon, who led the raid, said:

"We spent weeks planning this bust, right down to the last detail, but it was an easy mistake to make. Alice lives at number 24, and we wanted number 42. What, with all the commotion and gunfire going on, the real criminals were able to make good their escape with their enormous stash, and we were left empty-handed."

Mrs Arbuckle, herself, however, did not escape the long arm of the law. Today, she was being held under the Prevention Of Dog Mess On The Pavement Act (2008), and in relation to another offence relating to the Fraudulent Use Of A Bus Pass.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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