Spokane WA- Ryan Clayton, a typical 34-year old resident of Spokane, was alone on vacation backpacking through a dense secluded forest, eating peanut shells and licking tree bark, when he tripped over an ice sculpture built by prodigious beavers with too much time on their paws. He plummeted down a ravine full of deer shrapnel and unopened packages of Lego, and sustained enough trauma to become unconscious.
When Clayton awoke, he poked one of the boxes of Lego and habitually scratched his beard which then suddenly came to life scaring the hell out of him and causing him to repeatedly soil himself.
Much to his dismay, it turns out that his beard was actually a nappy nest of tie-dyed rabbits, clutching his face for the last several weeks. Relieved, Clayton hiked back to his car and drove back to civilization where the media was eagerly camped around his house armed with many questions.
Gillette was the first to congratulate him by placing on his head the highly coveted Upside-down Pubic Crown and knighting him with a big endorsement. BIC was there as well and handed him the key to the city, along with several naked pictures of a duckbill platypus giving Steve Irwin a lewdly lubed aerial backrub.
Clayton was bemused by all the attention and remained silent until a reporter from NBC attempted to feed his beard a lettuce leaf causing him to jerk away and swiping his microphone for a brief statement.
"Now I can finally sell my franchise of hermit crab kiosks and focus more time tending to the flock on my face and royal duties that my crown demands."