Las Vegas - (Botox Ass Mess): A 22 year-old Texan pharmacology entrepreneur (sic) has been crowned Ms United States after a close-run contest of the nation's finest.
Rockspring resident Ms Crystle Meth told pageant judges she works as an party planning courier and will now dedicate her life to 'countless little acts of international philanthropy.'
"Yeah, whatever," pageant compere Donny Osmond said, fitting Ms Meth with a sparkly crown amid cheers from the specially invited audience representing pageant sponsors from the Non-Aligned Crack Barons Association.
The fifty one contestants were scored in three vital categories of cleavage, ass and pageant-speak psychobabble. Ms Meth, 36DD-24-34, came out on top in all three run-offs.
Meth now faces a dizzying round of throne duties as she ponders how to spend her $1 million winner's cheque.
An apartment in LA's Studio City - almost next door to singer Britney Spears - comes with the title as well as a chance to become next month's nude centerfold for local celeb-spotting newspaper LA FagHagSlagMag.
Tara Conner, 24, is stone cold sober.
