Our new Irn Bru Leader, Gordon 'Girdn Brun' Brown, has announced today that in order to stop Ireland sneaking away from the British isles special patrols will be used to hold the country in position.
In recent months seismologists have detected earth tremors indicating that Southern and Northern Ireland have begun to drift apart.
Mr brown intends to "Get hold of the countries steering wheel and get it back on course by whatever means possible."
We have exclusively uncovered that he intends to send in troops of Grymoedd 'n Anad Cymraeg, Welsh special forces, in dirigibles to take the controls using force is need be.
What the reaction to this will be is unknown, but without these measures Ireland will almost certainly explode.
