More Sex Please, We're British!

Funny story written by JonSon

Wednesday, 30 May 2007


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A recent study by a leading Harvard economist suggests that if prudish Brits were to sleep around more they would slow the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.

It has been statistically shown that when a pool of sexual partners in the U.K. is too shallow, the naughty minority corner the market on one night stands, blow-jobs, hand-jobs, felching, snowballing, rainbow-kissing, tea-bagging, donkey-punching, monkey-wrenching and barebacking. This in turn increases the risk of sexually transmitted diseases for the general populace.

The study goes on to show that increasing the promiscuity of Britons between the ages of 18 and 45 with fewer than 2.25 sexual partners a year would dramatically slow the spread of diseases by deepening the partner pool.

"More people need to have more sex if we want to avoid the spread of sexually transmitted diseases at epidemic proportions" says Professor Summers of Harvard's sexual and statistical study group.

However, the prudish are reported not to relax because they apparently lack sufficient incentive to loosen up.

"It's crystal clear why prudes with a limited sexual past choose to supply little sex now - their services are underpriced!" says the Professor. He continues "Insufficiently rewarded for relaxing their standards, the frigid relax their standards insufficiently.

"This can mean only one thing - Britons need to start having more sex, more often if they want to reduce the chances of contracting the clap!"

Other interesting but unrelated statistical findings by Professor Summers include:

  • Jury verdicts improve when jurors are fined for incorrect decisions.
  • Doubling Earth's population would double the number of geniuses available for combating climate change.
  • Gaining 29 kilograms can cost a white American women an extra 7% over her lifetime.
  • Driving at double the speed limit not only gets you to your destination quicker but also cuts the number of toilet stops needed during the journey.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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