Tony Blair has hit out at the SNP, claiming they are "illegitimate and dangerous" after the Scottish party inflicted heavy losses on the government in the country's local elections.
For the first time since the inception of the Scottish Parliament, the Labour party have lost their majority on what has been labelled a "really fucking shit" night for the government north of the border.
However, in a bid to stifle the SNP's momentum the PM last night gave a press conference, during which he labelled the party, led by by Alex Salmond, as "a force for evil". Upon being prompted to elaborate on the "illegitimate and dangerous" claims in the questions session, Mr Blair stunned the assembled media by accusing Mr Salmond of coordinating a fierce internal uprising from his secret headquarters in 'Salmond City' and claimed that such tactics amounted to an insurgency.
Quoting the government's own policy document on insurgencies, he said: "An insurgency is an organized and often armed political struggle whose goal may be the seizure of power through takeover and replacement of the existing government." He added: "The insurgency may intend to break away from government control and establish an autonomous state within traditional territorial bounds."
Outlining the government's response, Mr Blair called for Mr Salmond to either turn himself in and embrace the democratically elected Labour government or risk being 'terminated'.
Turning briefly to rumours surrounding his retirement as leader next week, the PM revealed that the election results have forced him to reconsider, in the interests of his probable successor Gordon Brown. He explained: "Obviously the rise of the SNP, or the 'Salyban' as our intelligence services have named them, puts a new spin on Mr Brown's leadership aspirations, being a Scot himself. We fear that he is now regarded as a traitor or a 'non-believer' amongst Scots and that his life is in imminent danger, indeed, he's received more death threats than usual in the last few days. As a result, we've forced him to undergo extensive surgery and have provided him with a new identity and moved him to a safe place indefinitely". I'll continue to provide strong leadership, in fact, I can feel my powers growing as I speak."
On countering the insurgency, Mr Blair revealed that the army were already building a concrete wall separating England from Scotland. He also announced operation 'Jock and Awe', a 'surge' strategy involving the pouring of troops into Scotland and precision air strikes on known SNP offices. He spoke of what he called 'cowardly terror tactics' used by the SNP in a covert war that has been raging in the borderlands for several months, claiming that a number of rancid roadside haggises had been placed on the A1 north of Berwick-on-Tweed, but were spotted before they could cause what he called 'significant sickness'.
The SNP released their own statement on Sean Connery's official fan website, in which they claimed responsibility for the out-of-date haggises and stated that Mr Salmond had retreated to a secret 'command centre' in a cave near Ben Nevis. In the statement they delared to win the 'Holy(rood) War'.
In related news, border tensions between England and Wales increase as Welsh farmers seize 15 English ramblers accused of trespassing on their pastures. The Rambler's Association rubbished the claims, saying that the elderly walkers were on a recognised public footpath.
The farmers paraded the ramblers at a village fete where one of the captives confessed to straying from the path to look at a butterfly, whilst being forced to present the raffle. Another hostage was seen spinning the tombola in the background, surrounded by burly shepherds.
The farmers later released the only woman hostage, Mrs Faye Wiggins, who spoke to the press about her fear in the hands of her captors: "I was kept seperate from the others and then the farmers told me that the men had been let go". She broke down in tears as she talked about her humilitation when made to judge a cake competition at the fete, during which she was forced to admit that Welsh cakes tasted better than English cakes. As she was sampling the cakes under the watchful glare of members of the village's elite Women's Institute, she could hear other local women talking about "stodgy" english muffins behind her.
Mrs Wiggins sold her story to the Monmouth Gazette for a rumoured two figure sum.
The incident has been regarded by some as a deliberate attempt by the Welsh to divert attention away from their ongoing cultural enrichment process, and specifically the development of their own language capability. However, official observers have reported that the Welsh are "a very long way off" having a credible, coherent language of their own and that such propaganda, like their rugby team, should not be taken seriously.