Boots Accused Of "High Street Chemical Warfare"

Funny story written by Martin Gooseflesh

Thursday, 19 April 2007

image for Boots Accused Of "High Street Chemical Warfare"
Dangler has spent many hours in the lab, and has eaten many takeaway meals

Pharmaceutical giant Boots the Chemist has today denied claims that they are using underhand methods to attract customers.

Writing in the New Scientist, Dr. Richard Dangler of the university of Hull accuses the company of pumping the air full of chemicals in what he referred to as "High street chemical warfare".

Dr. Dangler said: "Every time I go shopping with my wife she finds some reason to go to Boots, this got me thinking. After six years of study I have gathered evidence to show that Boots has mixed up a cocktail of chemicals and pheromones which are sprayed from small vents at the doorway of each of it's 3000 shops. The special formula is guaranteed to attract women, making them drawn to the store with an irresistible urge. Whenever a woman is within a ten mile radius of a Boots outlet the pull towards the store will begin, getting stronger and stronger, the nearer she gets."

 image of smoky chemical
The pheromones show red when ionised

Scott Wheway, Managing Director of Alliance Boots, called the claims "Preposterous" and said:

"We categorically deny that Boots is involved in any kind of unethical practice. Both women and men shop in our stores because we sell what they want to buy at a reasonable price. We give no credence to Dr. Dangler's wild theory. This is absolute nonsense, the crackpot ravings of a mad professor."

Gerard Hazelebach managing director of the Superdrug chain, the main rival to Boots said:

"If Dr. dangler's theories are proved true it will change the picture for us all and show that as we already know in our hearts; on a level playing field Superdrug is a vastly superior outlet."

Dr. Dangler said he was happy to show his findings to the chairman of Alliance Boots but they have, so far, not been returning his phone calls, e-mails, faxes, and letters.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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