Springville, UT - President Bush announced today that he would begin an investigation to prove that "Little Joey's Lemonade Stand" was gouging people for their money, and that "swift and powerful retribution" would soon follow.
"Little Joey," said Bush, "has raised the price of a cup of lemonade at his lemonade stand in front of his house from thirty-five cents a cup, to thirty-seven cents. I want to know why he feels it is okay to take advantage of the American people, and why I'm not getting a cut."
Little Joey, 6, an attendee of Greenwood Elementary, has raised the price of lemonade by 2 cents in the span of 18 months.
"He asked me to help him set up a lemonade stand last year," said Little Joey's mom. "I told him to set the price at twenty-five cents, but he said no, that lemons were too expensive and he needed to earn enough to buy us food."
Little Joey ignored his mother's wishes, insisting that he was now "man of the house" since his father was imprisoned for writing satire articles about President Bush. The family has not had a decent meal in over three months.
"If I don't raise the price of my lemonade," said Little Joey, "then I will be using all the money I make to buy more lemons to make lemonade in order buy more lemons. That doesn't make sense to me. I'm hungry. I'm just trying to make a living."
President Bush, however, was not moved. "He's a greedy, little brat," Bush stated in a press conference at the White House. "He's gouging people at the stand in order to fill his own, empty stomach. And, let me guess - Little Joey wants a new horn for his bike. How greedy can you get?"
Little Joey told reporters that he did not have a bike, that his mother had to sell it in order to buy some cabbage and a few potatoes.
"The American public does not deserve this type of treatment," said Little Joey's neighbor, Carl Anderson, 48. "Because of his greed I am now forced to buy my cup of lemonade two cents higher than I was before. Where am I supposed to go to get lemonade? Why doesn't someone help us?"
But Bush insists help is on the way, saying that he will set up a committee to help regulate Little Joey's prices and that if Little Joey did not comply, he would face heavy fines.
"One way or another," says Bush, "the price-gouging will stop. This is not the way Americans do business. We are a fair market, with no desire to take advantage of people. It's time that Little Joey learned this lesson."
Other steps are being taken to crack down on lemonade and Kool-Aid stands around the country.
"We've got our eye on four-year-old Angelica Stevens," said Bush. "Her Kool-Aid prices, along with what she charges for her home-made Cheerios bracelets is outrageous. She must be grossing, like, five dollars a week! This has to stop."
Angelica was not available for comment, since she had to leave for her three week stay at St. Mary's hospital to receive her chemotherapy.
