All children in UK schools must be taught how to beg in major European languages. The government believes language skills to be more important than sport, once seen as their way out in the spin leading up to 2012. By 2012, all schools must supply kids with photocopied maps of Europe, and the words, "I am starving" translated phonetically into every European language, before shoving them onto the ferry with a one-way ticket.
Children as young as 18 months will be encouraged to apply for passports, and get on their bikes in an effort to get them off the government's backs by 2012 as they won't make it in sports.
The Rt. Hon. Alistair Darling, Secretary of State for the Department of Trade and Industry: "I am working to create the conditions for business success and help the UK respond to the challenge of globalization."
The Rt. Hon. Alistair Darling is currently starring as Mr. Bumble in the long-running West End farce, "Gotta Pick a Pocket or Two" a travesty of Dickensian proportions.
