Whale trapped in the Thames had to be put down

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Tuesday, 11 May 2021

image for Whale trapped in the Thames had to be put down
Don't leave me this way. I can't survive, I can't stay alive...

A crowd gathered by the banks of the river Thames to watch vet Geoff Calamari as he euthanised a minke whale which had mistakenly swum up the corpse-strewn river.

"It were tragic," said the 46 year old restaurateur, who trained in veterinarian college for four years. "As soon as I saw that magnificent delicious beast struggling upriver, I knew it wouldn't make it. So I set to work."

Whales rarely swim into the river, but when they do they often get trapped. In this case, the unfortunate animal became ensnared on one of Calamari's own nets, which he had placed to prevent the cetacean from becoming grounded on the river bank.

Spectator Moby Richards was saddened at the spectacle. "It's a terrible end. I watched Mr Calamari put down the beast with a mustard gun and a bottle of vinegar."

He added, "I'm just glad to hear the animal will get a proper funeral. A cremation, the vet said."

Calamari's former veterinarian professor was pleased at his pupil's rescue attempts. "I taught Geoff everything he knows. It's a shame he failed the course."

The carcass of the enormous beast was driven back to Geoff's restaurant "Fish and Shit", where a chalkboard menu announced a special offer called "Big Fish Plate". Tonight Geoff will perform a private ceremony there for his cooking staff and a restaurant full of invited guests.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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