Doris Knight, 46, of Swansea, was enjoying the bracing March weather on an enclosed rocky beach at the Mumbles, South Wales, wearing a fashionable black and white mermaid tail that matched her swimsuit. However, she got the fright of her life when ten strong men began to place their hands on her, and push her slowly into the chilly seawater.
"It were terrifyin'," said the obese Welshwoman. "All their filthy hands on my curves. I couldn't do anything but clam up."
The brave would-be whale rescuers were a male voice choir from the nearby village of Oystermouth, who were conducting their morning stroll while singing racist 18th century Welsh sea-shanties. Choir-leader Gareth Voice chirped, "We like to walk along the shore. Often sea animals be stranded there. Why, just last year, we found our porpoise, rescuing dolphins and other sea creatures. Do you know my favourite dictator? It's Adolphin Hitler."
The singing Welshmen spied the sunbathing Knight and, mistaking her for a whale - "or maybe a dugong" added Voice - they pushed her into the water while singing Land Of My Fathers in Welsh.
Doris later said that the choirmen's harmonies and rugged touches soothed her at first, but that ended abruptly when her sudden plunge into the salty cold water caused her to cry out in panic, "Ye bastards!" This led one of the choirmen to exclaim, "Crikey! A talking whale!"
Soon the whole group was laughing, and engaged in an impromptu dogging experience on the sandy shoreline.
"We'll have to tell the newspapers all about this," said Voice excitedly as he sprayed his seed onto the chubby woman's shivering face.
"Don't you dare, Gareth, you cheeky bastard," she replied.