Hunger charity focuses on brunch

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Thursday, 30 July 2020

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What do you have for brunch?

Millions of people struggle to find enough food to feed themselves, particularly in the Third World. Philanthropist Geoff Tool believes he knows the answer.

"When I heard about how much starvation still exists in the world, I was saddened," he said. "But then I asked if the average African has ever heard of brunch. I was shocked to learn that most of them have not."

Tool launched a new charity called Global Brunch Awareness, which aims to solve global hunger through a comprehensive programme of brunch education in poor countries.

Brunch was invented in 1964 by two gay men in New York. It is a portmanteau of "brown lunch", because it was the time that the two would meet up for a snack and some sodomy. Soon, the idea caught on. Eventually, heterosexual people began to join in, but their brunch did not include the bum sex, giving us the aimless, time-indeterminate meal we know today.

TheSpoof interviewed diners in a cafe, at 11am, to ask what they knew about the origins of brunch. The answers were nothing if not revealing.

"Every time I have brunch, I feel it's lacking something," said retired tape measure salesman, Gary Baldy. "It needs alcohol, or I suppose a bit of arsing would liven it up." He pointed to the remains of his fry-up meal he had eaten. "I mean, I'd call this a late breakfast, not a brunch."

Tool raged at the suggestion. "Brunch is not the same as a late breakfast," he yelled. "It's a whole different meal. This is why we need Global Brunch Awareness! Not just in Africa, but for the brunchophobic plebs in this country!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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