Local man slavers visibly during machine gun fantasy about noisy supermarket family

Written by Clive Danton

Saturday, 7 December 2019

image for Local man slavers visibly during machine gun fantasy about noisy supermarket family

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man found himself salivating during a trip to his local Lidl supermarket, as he fantasised about scything down a noisy family in the shop with an old fashioned Tommy Gun.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, had to wipe flecks of drool from his chin as he mentally pumped the family of four with bullets during a sustained burst of gunfire.

Speaking to The East London Gazette, Mr Dell said: "This family had been annoying me from the moment I entered the shop.

"The mother had a voice like a foghorn, the father wasn't much better and the kids were screaming and shouting and running amok in the aisles.

"I just couldn't seem to shake them off. Every aisle I visited they were there.

People like these are the scum of the earth, and deserve to die like the lowlife feral garbage that they truly are.

"When I got to the checkout, there they were in front of me. The woman was arguing with the girl on the till and the husband was bawling at the screaming kids.

"It was then that I mentally hosed them down with a Tommy Gun, similar to the ones used by American mobsters in the old gangster flicks.

"I really gave it to them. I swung my weapon from side to side, hosing them down like dogs, before standing over their twitching bodies, kicking each one in the head to make sure they were dead.

"I relished the fantasy so much, I had to pull out a tissue to mop up the drool from my chin.

"I don't think this makes me a bad person but I'm not sure."

Last September, a man from neighbouring Stepney, told a newspaper that he'd experienced a sensation almost on a par with a sexual climax, as he fantasised about hacking at a woman who had parked too close to his car in a Waitrose car park, with an ice pick.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more