Matthew 'Crusty' Morgan held by police over 'cash for vaginas' scandal

Written by Breeze

Tuesday, 6 February 2007


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The reclusive Lowton brothers - links to London underworld

Spoof writer and serial bigamist, Matthew 'Crusty' Morgan was arrested last night, after police discovered secret e-mails, linking him and the reclusive Lowton brothers to the 'cash for vaginas' scandal.

Several Spoof writers had been interviewed after rumours alleging that, in order to increase circulation of their rag, the Lowton's had been paying writers to include the word 'vagina' in their stories.

Suspects included convicted squirrel botherer, Duff, and alcoholic has-been, Buck E Filbert, although both were later released without charge.

After an investigation by journalistic tag team, Moose and Squirrel, however, the police decided to question Mr Morgan at length.

"It was 'Crusty's' dramatic and meteoric rise to the top that first alerted us to his nefarious dealings with the Lowtons." said Moose last night, "We read his stories and they were childlike and littered with spelling mistakes, so we knew something wasn't right."

Undercover team mate, Squirrel agreed, "His stories were shit right enough and yet he was getting big, big hits. It stank like a barrel of fish in the mid day sun."

In a week long investigation, the team discovered that Morgan had been illegally accepting bribes from the Lowtons and indisciminately placing the word 'vagina' in his stories, a practice known as 'fanny-peppering' and banned since 1964.

There was no comment from either of the Lowton brothers and their Hull council house remained eerily quiet last night.

The brothers, who have long been suspected of having links to organised crime, gained control of 'The Spoof' in 2006 after it's janitor, Helium, was injured in an attempted gangland hit outside a Hull night-club. The perpetrators of the brutal assassination attempt have never been brought to justice.

Since taking control of the on-line, satire magazine there has been a marked drop in quality, with critic and good-time girl, Gail Farrely, accusing it of being nothing more than 'feculent garbage, edited by morons and paraded as comedy'.

There is no doubt, however, that it has managed to make the Lowtons very wealthy. Both men have a string of private jets at their disposal and a fleet of top of the range cars, as well as homes in Paris, New York and Hull.

The brothers are normally shy of the media and were last spotted in 2004, partying with large breasted 'lady-boys' in Bangkok.

Other Spoof writers were quick to condemn Morgan, Texan hardman and sixties rodeo star, Jalapenoman, said, "I was going to do a story on this but I couldn't find a pencil."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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