London, UK - (Hellfire Mess): Flunkies charged with removing a reported 50-ton fartberg from under Buckingham Palace have brought in oxyacetylene torches to avert a potential environmental disaster following 100 years’ continuous service by Her Majesty’s composting lav.
Used daily by up to 300 Palace servants the Grade-1 listed earth-and-shovel closet has been described by Pevsner* as one of the finest surviving examples of Victorian sanitaryware designed by royal plumbing expert Sir Joseph Basil Jet.
It sits squarely beneath Her Majesty’s ground floor Throne Room in a Pugin-decorated privy, part of a labyrinthine plumbing network linked directly to the historic River Tyburn into which the daily royal effluent is dumped.
This morning up to 250 liveried palace servants were kitted out with thermic lances from the Royal Collection’s extensive bankjob range, thought to have last been used by the Queen Mother to burrow into Coutts Bank following a disagreement about overdraft fees.
Commenting on the start of operations royal plumber-in-chief Sir Busby Wetwipe told Spoof reporters he was confident his men would avert disaster by melting off the fatberg into manageable 50-gallon lumps.
These would then be processed into eco-friendly bio fuel and sold on to Prince Charles’ Duchy Originals farms which manufacture sandwich fillings for royal garden parties and the like.
Smaller one ounce lumps are available on request from the Palace Gitshop, price twenty squid plus VAT.
* Sir Horace Pevsner, DDT & Bar, royal arse wiper