Written by Talking Tic-Tacs

Tuesday, 16 October 2018

image for John Bercow Demands Independent Investigation Into John Bercow
John Bercow in his matchbox model car he got for Christmas.

House of Commons speaker, John Bercow, has told MP's that bullying claims within Parliament should be investigated by an independent, external body. Led by him.

Conservative MP Bercow, who has occupied the supposedly impartial position of House Speaker for 'God knows how many years', (I can't be bothered looking it up), is at the centre of bullying allegations.

Junior ministers and aides have levelled the complaints at a number of MP's, including tiny Tory Bercow.

After being urged to quit by fellow MP's, Bercow addressed the House, of which he is effectively the leader, "In light of certain allegations being made against certain people and subsequent requests for myself to stand down while these are investigated, I will look to relinquish the position."

He continued, "As a man of integrity, I believe it is incumbent upon me to recommend an independent, external watchdog to deal with these complaints, rather than the Commons executive, to which I am affiliated."

"Incidentally, I have a new job as the head of an independent, external watchdog dealing with complaints."

Anal political analyst Alan Analagous remarked, "while many consider Bercow to be a good speaker of the House, who doesn't show bias, it is also fair to say that he's a shit speaker of the House who does show bias."

"Others think that these allegations are purely political, with the government looking to replace him with a more biased Tory to favour them. Then you watch one single PMQ's, and you think 'yep, small man syndrome, getting off on his lofty, authoritative position. Bully Bercow'."

"Of course, this slightly ignores the fact that he's about 2 foot 2 inches tall, well, small, and why anyone would let him bully them defies logic. You could probably deck him with a strong sneeze", he said.

"They're all basically bullies though, when you think about it, so maybe him being the head bully bullying the bullies who are all bigger bullies than him - like waaayy bigger than him - is actually quite democratic. In a Westminster sense of the word."

"Plus, he's clearly bullied at home from Sally, who is 8 foot 8 inches tall, and still growing."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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