Man Maimed and Blinded For Online Bullying

Funny story written by Purple Girl

Saturday, 10 June 2017

Spotian County -- Doug Smith won't have to worry anymore about harassing anyone online as someone permanently cured him of that character flaw. According to the police, Smith regularly harassed and bullied people online. He accused them of being other posters, other races, being gay, molesting kids, etc.

Christine Troller, CEO of SpeakWorld is concerned. "We actually paid him good money to harass and abuse other posters, since that increases the ad revenue... So what if we lost several members to suicide? As long as we're rolling in the profits, who the [expletive deleted] cares?"

The District Attorney is not seeking charges. Dan Johnson of Spotian County says, "Cyberbully victims who become vigilantes are not high on our list as the bullies bring their problems on themselves. My daughter nearly killed herself when a poster kept referring to her as another poster and ignored her screen name. So when one of these miscreants is blinded or dismembered, that is dozens, if not thousands of lives saved."

Professor Roy Jones of the nearby college is not pleased. "We Liberals need to utilize every resource to silence our opposition and destroy the predominant power structure, and cyberbullying is a valuable tool. Imagine if George W. Bush had killed himself before becoming President. The whole world would be a much better place. I will gladly continue the work of Doug Smith and try to make as many conservatives kill themselves as I can."

A local elementary school closed early to celebrate what happened to a cyberbully. Tabatha Frank, an 8-year-old says, "My teacher taught me bullies are bad. They hurt animals and do bad things to little girls. So we are eating cake to celebrate, but I won't eat too much because I don't want to be called a fatty or a cow."

Nobody seems to know who did this, and the police have no leads. Detective Stevens of the local police department says, "Right now, this looks like the worst case of self-mutilation we've ever seen. We are a bit baffled as to how someone could amputate both of their own arms and gouge out their own eyes. Some think we should be doing more, but the tips we've gotten have ranged from conspiracy theories to extraterrestrial beings, and most of those calls came from the state psychiatric hospital from folks who are not well."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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