Written by carina-eta

Wednesday, 4 July 2018

image for New Statistics Show Top Causes of Death In UK
Mrs Hilda Blaine,84, of Wiltshire after exposure to Novichok

Surprising new statistics have been released by the Home Office showing how you are likely to die in the UK based on the area you live and your age group.

Unsurprisingly, in the male 14-19 yrs age group stabbings are the number one cause of death.

More surprising, in the female 14-19 yrs age group, Music Concerts are given as the number one cause of death. (this includes trampling as well as detonations)

In the 6-14 yrs age group, Bouncy Castles feature in the top 3 causes of death, while in the under 3 age group "being born in the Countess of Chester Hospital" ranks first.

In the over 60's category, "having a trusted long standing doctor who likes to prescribe opiates and thinks they are releasing you from a life of pain " is not recommended as this comes 2nd in the rankings. Taking the top spot for the first time for deaths over 60 however is "unidentified substances originating in Russia."

Smoking, usually a top contender in most categories, limps home 64th after " death by vape being mistaken for a terrorist weapon" is introduced as a new category.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Death, bouncy castle




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