Jacob Rees-Mogg reveals his reptilian past

Sunday, 3 June 2018

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As a Conservative MP, Rees-Mogg is often asked to validate his humanity, but in a recent episode of "Who Do You Think You Are" he was forced to reveal his 60% reptile background.

Rees-Mogg's great grandfather is none other than Hissy the python, a famous exhibit at London zoo in the Victorian era. His great-grandmother was a humble zookeeper with a fetish for snakes who happened to produce one of the few known examples of human-snake hybrids in history.

Her son Geoff Rees-Mogg the half-snake monster was a wonder of Queen Victoria's court in her dying days. It is thought that one reason why the British Empire was able to sustain such a large expanse with so few men is partly because of natives fear of the great snake Queen. Geoff was given the nickname Rees-Mogg after the noise he made, which he later adopted as a surname.

Nevertheless, Geoff married a common snake-charmer of Victoria's court and they begat a nearly human child, called Herod, who was to become Jacob Rees-Mogg's father. Herod was a successful swindler, and earned a small fortune by selling second-hand automobile insurance, which was later proven to be entirely fraudulent. He died in a debtors prison.

Jacob Rees-Mogg was Herod's first child, and was the first of the Rees-Moggs to not have a vestigial tail. He developed a keen interest in burning ants as a child, a hobby which would find later fruit in his hatred of the poor. As a result of his non-human background, he developed an upper-class pretence and accent which live with him to this day.

Jacob's hobbies include genocide, eating insects, and exploiting humans, and he is the Conservative MP for inbred locals in North-East Somerset.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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