Ringo Confesses that Paul McCartney Really Died in 1965

Funny story written by SeanFallon

Tuesday, 16 May 2017


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Paul McCartney, as was

New evidence shows that what for over fifty years was believed to be a mere hoax is in fact a stranger than fiction reality. Paul McCartney actually did die in 1965, and was replaced by look-alike and sound-alike William Campbell. This new evidence has come to light after Ringo has confessed to his involvement in Paul's death, and the cover-up that would follow.

I, Sean Fallon, was the only member of the press allowed in on Ringo's interrogation. It was the most eerie and uncomfortable experience of my life, but certainly one that I will never forget.

Ringo began to tell the story of what was clearly the biggest and most covered up scandal in Rock N' Roll history. Looking sullen and ashamed, he spoke, "My conscience can't bear this guilt any longer. It was a summer night in 1965. John, George, and I were with William Campbell, drinking at his Uncle Albert's secluded bungalow. Paul was out, making a demo recording on his own. John came up with the idea that we should play a prank on Paul by hiding in the bushes and throwing things at his car, when he came back to join us. Never did any of us think that it would lead to his death." Ringo became teary eyed, as his head hung low in shame.

I questioned, "So it really was a car accident, like the hoax claimed?"

Ringo wasn't even able to make eye contact with me as he continued, "It was never a hoax, just a brilliant cover-up masqueraded as a hoax. If only the car accident was what killed him, it would not have been quite as bad. Paul was alarmed when he didn't know what was hitting his car or where it was coming from. He slammed on the brakes, and went flying through his windshield, obviously not wearing a seatbelt. George was mortified as he slowly observed, 'Paul is bloody!' George wanted to call an ambulance, as John and I rushed to help Paul, who at this point had shards of glass all over him. William insisted that Paul was surely going to die, and that we better put him out of his misery right away, so we can hide the evidence, before anyone arrives and we get charged with his death."

The officer in the room interrupted, "So how did you kill him?"

Ringo continued, "The first clue everyone missed is that we named our next record after the murder weapon."

I was shocked as I questioned, "They had revolvers back in England, then?"

Ringo continued, "Ours weren't legal, even though John believed that happiness is a warm gun. Anyway, as Paul was writhing in pain on the ground, he couldn't even speak, as William went into the bungalow and grabbed two guns. He handed one gun to John and held the other one himself. Paul looked desperately up at John, past layers of broken glass that curved like an onion across Paul's upper face, as John and William simultaneously pulled their triggers, while George and I both cried and fell to the ground."

I was breathing heavily at this point, mortified at what I was hearing, yet my question to Ringo was "Is that how John came up with the lyrics about looking through a glass onion?"

Ringo nodded, "Another clue everyone missed."

I replied, "So this William Campbell must have looked exactly like Paul, to fool the whole world like that. How did Linda not notice?"

Ringo smiled, "Paul McCartney and Linda Eastman never met. William first met Linda in 1967. They married in 1969. William had a strong resemblance to Paul, and could nail his vocals dead on, but to make it truly convincing, we brought William to a crooked, yet brilliant plastic surgeon."

At this point the officer questioned, "Who is this plastic surgeon? Where is this plastic surgeon?"

Ringo responded, "He went crazy the following year, and passed away in 1970. He was the subject of two of our songs, two more clues that everyone missed."

Intrigued I questioned, "Which songs?"

Ringo smiled, "We named that doctor on our next record. That fool, Dr. Robert lived on the hill, watching the world spinning 'round."

Still in disbelief I questioned Ringo, "What about William Campbell's family? How did they not realize that William didn't actually go missing, but became Paul's imposter?"

Ringo appeared a bit troubled by the question, then pensive. He finally shrugged his shoulders, nodded his head and said, "I suppose I can tell you, since his family of that time is all dead, now, anyway. While they didn't know that William had anything to do with Paul's death, they knew that William became Paul's imposter. They kept quiet about it, though, as they saw that William was living his dream, being a Beatle, even if people didn't realize who he really was. With all the money William was making, and sharing with them, why would his family ever want to end the charade? William finally got to know how it feels to be one of the beautiful people. John even wrote a song about William's sudden fame, 'Baby, You're A Rich Man,' which was another clue that flew over everyone's heads."

At that point I felt both mortified and intrigued, so I just had to ask Ringo, "What other clues did we all miss, if any?"

Through his tears and somber countenance, Ringo slightly chuckled, "Pretty much all of them. Starting with the 'Revolver' album, William sang about a funeral in which 'nobody came.' That was not Eleanor Rigby's but Paul's since nobody knew he was dead. The coffin we buried Paul in was yellow. It went underground, like a submarine. We were projecting Paul's thoughts into a woman, on the line, 'She said, I know what it's like to be dead.' John sang about how he was only sleeping, a subtle juxtaposition to Paul who was dead. William had a strange spirituality in which he felt that Paul's soul was now here, there, and everywhere. William wasn't merely singing to one woman, but to all the fans of Beatlemania when he sang, 'Got to Get You Into My Life.' William furthermore was not singing about a woman, but about John's seemingly apathetic attitude towards the death of his best friend Paul, on 'For No One.' William was meanwhile singing about his own new found happiness in being a Beatle on 'Good Day Sunshine.' Oh, and don't forget how the album cover had our images drawn rather than photographed, and the album cover nowhere claims that we were the Beatles, since technically, one of us was dead and replaced. Yep, even our biggest fans missed all those clues."

I had never viewed the "Revolver" album as a concept album, before.

As I was speechless, trying to take all this in, Ringo continued with some more shocking information. "We still were touring, now with William on bass guitar, posing as Paul, but we soon stopped. Our claim was that we couldn't reproduce live what our producer George Martin was doing in the studio..."

The officer quipped in, "Speaking of George Martin, surely he had to realize that William wasn't Paul. What about your manager Brian Epstein?"

Ringo casually replied, "George Martin and Brian Epstein were the first two people who we successfully deceived into believing that William was Paul. We said that Paul got into a car accident and had to get some surgery. They bought it, as did the rest of the world."

I thought my mind was blown at this point, but then Ringo's tale delved into the supernatural realm. He claimed, "Our real reason for stopping our live tours is that we felt haunted by Paul. We would hear a bass guitar and vocals that were distinctly different from William's appearing among us. At first, John thought it must have been a reaction to the LSD, but when George, William, and I claimed we heard the same thing, we realized, something beyond our capacity for rational explanation was going on. We also feared that too much public exposure of William would eventually blow his cover, as the rumors we dismissed as a hoax soon were in full swing. So, among each other, we nicknamed our final tour, the 'Magical Mystery Tour,' which we would write a song about in 1967. It took us away from the reality we once knew."

As I sat there in the police station listening, I was feeling as if I was being put on, but as I looked at Ringo's face, I saw the sincerity. Ringo continued, "These strange hauntings by Paul led to two more songs. The line, 'Get back to where you once belonged,' was towards Paul's spirit, kind of like the opposite of a séance, trying to make him go away. The other song was written by John, to William, nicknaming him 'Bungalow Bill,' and asking, 'What did you kill,' rather than who, since we felt as if we were being haunted by something unearthly, not human."

I saw the officer shiver with the chills, while I tried to stay focused as Ringo continued. "We were going to change our name to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band, but we decided against that. It would just be the name of our new record. I chose not to play on the song that pined over the loss of Paul. It wasn't about a parents and daughter relationship. William provided the haunting narrative lead vocals on 'She's Leaving Home,' as John and George sang about their feelings of loss. Like with 'Eleanor Rigby,' I just couldn't bring myself to play on that track."

As a man of deep Christian faith, I just had to ask, "Where were you all spiritually at that point? I know you dabbled with the Maharishi, but..."

Ringo interrupted, "The Maharishi made a fool of everyone. Replace the words, 'Sexy Sadie,' with 'Maharishi' and you'll realize what that song was really about." I nodded, having already read that before, as Ringo continued, "George got big into the Eastern religions, but his guitar still gently weeped for Paul. John wrote a song, intended as an attempt to pray to your God, but John's tone on 'The Ballad of John & Yoko,' just came across as blasphemous. John also prayed for prudence to come out and play. I felt like I deserved death for my involvement in Paul's death, so I actually prayed to the destroying angel of Exodus. I told him, 'Don't pass me by.' As for William, he just tried to take a positive outlook about how the world said 'Hello' to him, and 'Goodbye' to Paul. Whenever John, George or I pined Paul's death in William's presence, he would just interrupt us with gibberish, and then tell us to get over it 'ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on.' As I mentioned, William's spirituality is unusual. He may be some kind of atheist. Like Paul, William's mother's name was Mary, too, who he references in 'Let It Be.' It is not about the Mother of Jesus. William wasn't even phased by the notion that he was going to 'carry that weight' of Paul's death on his shoulders."

Feeling overwhelmed, I just shook my head and said, "It is crazy to think that all the Beatles' songs from the 'Revolver' album onward were with an imposter named William Campbell, rather than the real Paul McCartney."

Ringo shook his head, "no," and said, "That is not totally the case. For one thing, 'One After 909' was recorded very early on, with Paul, but never made it to any of our records until Phil Spector decided to put it on 'Let It Be.' More significantly, though, we used Paul's real vocals from his demo that we recovered from his car wreck. Incidentally, in his car wreck, we also found a parking ticket written up by a meter maid named Rita."

The officer interrupted, "Getting back to that, what exactly did you all throw at Paul's car?"

Ringo replied, "John lead the charge, throwing eggs. He was the eggman. We were the eggmen."

The officer looked outraged, and I could not keep this article family friendly if I was to repeat the next words out of the officer's mouth.

Feeling that things might get a little volatile, I changed the subject by asking Ringo, "So what was on Paul's demo?"

When Ringo began to answer, I felt chilled to the core. The police officer later told me that I looked pale as a ghost at that moment. Ringo glumly spoke the words, "Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head..."

I felt totally nauseous realizing that the final words Paul recorded, possibly even vocalized were, "I went into a dream." Little did he know, he wasn't waking up the following morning. I tried to speak, but nothing came out.

The police officer took over and questioned Ringo, "You all buried Paul in a yellow coffin? Prove your story. Where is this coffin, now, and no cheeky responses like 'six feet under.' Where is Paul McCartney's dead body, now?"

Ringo's sullen and shameful look turned into a sadistic smile, as he replied, "Ah, the final three clues that you all missed. Why would John randomly utter the words, 'cranberry sauce,' if we did not mean for it to sound like, 'I buried Paul,' only to debunk it?"

The officer and I both were confused, as we both knew that those words at the end of "Strawberry Fields Forever," are among the most well known from what was once merely believed to be a hoax about Paul being dead.

Ringo continued, "In the strawberry fields on the east of Liverpool, there is a tree that has branches that bend and form the shape of the letter C. The tree provides shade in which the strawberries receive less sunlight and grow in 8 different rows in that spot of the garden, but not parallel rows, rather 8 rows that almost make it look like an octopus. So, you will find Paul's body, buried in a yellow coffin, six feet down, under the C, in the octopus garden in the shade of the strawberry fields."

I finally got the nerve to speak again, "Strawberry Fields Forever and Octopus' Garden make two clues. You said there was a third!"

Ringo smiled, "Oh, yes. How could I forget? While we were burying Paul late that night of his death, we were all nearly startled to death, ourselves, when we saw a monkey hanging down from the tree, right on the top of the C. It just watched us. So, we doth protested a little too much that our monkey had nothing to hide, either."

The interview ended, but the police work was just beginning. An excavation team soon went out to the spot in which Ringo claimed Paul's body was buried. They did in fact find a yellow coffin. When the coffin was opened, they found a decaying body that looked like Paul's. Soon a DNA test, autopsy, and dental records conclusively revealed that this was in fact the corpse of Paul McCartney.

On the morning of May 15, 2017 police surrounded the whereabouts of the person claiming to be Sir Paul McCartney and demanded, "William Campbell, come out with your hands up! You are under arrest for the murder of Paul McCartney! We found his body. Ringo has confessed everything!"

Looking devastated, William Campbell, the man who since 1965 had been the Paul McCartney imposter came outside and exclaimed, "We have been fooling the world for more than fifty years! Why couldn't Ringo just let it be!"

Down at the station William was questioned about the events surrounding that fatal night in 1965. He corroborated every detail of Ringo's story. When furthermore asked how he could be so cold hearted and callous, he smirked and replied, "I followed my motto. Live and let die."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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