Written by T. Loaf

Wednesday, 1 March 2017

EU nationals in Britain, ex-pats across Europe and British citizens throughout the world are becoming confused about the options open and closed to them concerning dual nationality, now that Brexit approaches.

Psychologists and behavioural therapists have confirmed that those seeking dual nationality suffer from dissociative identity disorder (or multiple personality disorder). "It's to do with belonging and with selfhood", explained Dr. Scott of Manchester Psychiatric Centre. "We've been admitting thousands of tragic cases since Brexit, who are simply unable to stem their longing for two passports. They yearn for the best of both worlds. It's gluttony on an administrative, international scale which transforms into an addiction that is almost impossible to treat. Many are drifting towards a chronic form of schizophrenia."

Spurious arguments are cited by patients who feel entitled to two nationalities. Peter S. of Havering sought to enhance his British citizenship with a Belgian passport. "I'm devastated", he said. "My diet is Ostend mussels and waffles and my left eye twitches whenever I hear the word, 'Flemish'. There must be some Belgian in me...."

Authorities are also clamping down on dual nationality in general. John W. of Stevenage surrendered his British passport and applied for dual Mexican and Chinese nationality. "I love enchiladas and I once touched a panda in Colchester Zoo. I thought that would do it. I also submitted a plan for Mexico to enter the EU, now with all that Trump wall stuff.....all to no avail..."

Owners of Kerry beagles in England applying for Irish national status have also received rejections. A spokesman for the Irish authorities commented: "They can gladly become a member of the Irish Kennel Club, but no passport, I'm afraid." Many applicants believed such membership was synonymous.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Brexit

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