Juncker's new agenda for Brexit negotiations

Funny story written by T. Loaf

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Britons who thought Article 50 of the European Treaty would centre on money and freedom of movement could be in for a surprise.

EU President, Jean-Claude Juncker, famously not averse to an early morning beverage, including his favourite breakfast brandy, may have consumed one over the eight before addressing the press in Brussels yesterday, shifting the focus of upcoming talks with the UK.

"If you don't want us you can go", he started. "But this is more than just about cash. We will also be protecting our heritage. The British must confirm they will never again eat a continental breakfast within their borders. Stale pastry and milky coffee will remain a European prerogative. And our dear animals will also be considered", he stammered.

"We demand all puffins be relocated from Northumberland to Scandinavia where they belong. The same applies to the pine marten. But you can keep your stoat and ferret. And the European meadowlark will be restricted from crossing the channel....and we want all our starlings back."

Juncker appeared to falter, then gripped his lectern. "And for music, la, la, la, lalala. We hate your wretched Lincolnshire bagpipes, your Birch trumpets and riddle drums. However, if I hear the lute guitar or the Strammel accordion or the hurdy-gurdy played on British shores I will revoke any agreements signed, immediately."

"What about whiskey?" asked a reporter.

"Yes please", replied Juncker, "make it a double....but no ice. Thank you...."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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