Local man, Martin Shuttlecock informed us this morning that he had a great idea for a story last night, then promptly forgot what it was and spent the remainder of yesterday evening repeatedly punching himself in the face until bed time.
"I was watching this thing on the telly - 100 days of UKIP," Shuttlecock said. "And I had this blinding idea for an excoriating piece of political satire, so I went to the kitchen and got a beer out of the fridge in order to celebrate. Then when I sat down again in front of the telly I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was I'd thought of. Probably something to do with Nigel Farage, but the moment had passed. I was pretty distraught, to say the least."
Sporting two black eyes and a slightly swollen schnozz Shuttlecock went on to reveal how, in his frustration he'd repeatedly punched himself in the face.
"It was systematic, that was," he explained. "None of that left-right-left-right nonsense. Being right handed I can hit harder with my right, so I sat watching the News at Ten and set myself up with a series of left jabs, mainly aiming for the bridge of my own nose; then I'd whale in with a punishing right. All these people who tell others not to beat themselves up over stuff obviously haven't tried it. Sure, it hurts, but no pain-no gain, right?"
Shuttlecock's long suffering wife Anne, who'd popped up the kebab shop for two Ali Bullo special grills was horrified as she re-entered the Shuttlecock abode bearing the aforementioned culinary treat.
"When I saw him punching himself repeatedly in the face I was horrified," Anne said. "I asked him what the hell he was playing at and he said he was beating himself up because he'd had a great story idea and then lost it again. So I decided to help the silly bastard out and smacked him repeatedly about the head with a cricket bat."
At which point Shuttlecock complained that Anne had eaten both of the Ali Bullo special grills that she'd gone out for and that he was sent to bed with no supper.
"Shut up you idiot," Anne retorted. "You're about as much use as an ashtray on motorbike. Twat."
More as we get it.
