Boris, who has been in charge of the nation's capital for several years now and is well-known for his unruly hair, eccentric way of talking and extra marital affairs, says that he has never considered being Pope and would not be qualified for the job.
"I am neither parsimonious nor rhadamanthine, and therefore couldn't tick the boxes", the Tory toff said. "Also, while I do have my ruminative moments, I prefer a more uxorious life. However, I am wheedled by the speculation. But my cassock will remain firmly for fetish parties only."
He added that he isn't Catholic either.
A spokesman for the Vatican said:
"I've just checked the chimney and we haven't got any vacancies at the moment. Maybe Mr Johnson could apply in a few years time. But he'd need to become Roman Catholic first."
Boris also denied that he had any plans to stand for the leadership of the Tory party or run for the next general election, even though his name has already been entered with the local Conservative party for the constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip.
