Westminster was reeling earlier today when the Labour Party announced that, if elected, they would be taxing glasses of water to fund the NHS.
"This follows on from yesterday's TV programme, where Myleene Klass criticised our Mansion Tax proposal, suggesting that glasses of water could be taxed instead.", said a Labour spokesman. "We ran the numbers and realised that we can raise far more in tax by simply attaching a levy to every glass of water that people drink. It's a real winner."
Asked exactly how the money would be raised, the Labour spokesman was unsure but suggested that a national glass beaker registration system was one proposal, with water only being dispensed at state-owned standpipes. Private water supplies would be illegal as would rivers and lakes, which would all have to be drained. Tax evasion, or collecting rainwater as it is otherwise known, would be a criminal offence.
"Of course we are only applying this tax because we genuinely believe that all we have to do is assemble a large pyramid of cash and all the problems of the NHS will disappear. We're sure that this is the only solution to health care, simply throwing enormous quantities money at the problem. Just because it has never worked in the past, does not mean it won't work this time. This is part of our core beliefs, that taking other people's money to spend on what we like solves all problems."
The spokesman denied that this new tax proposal was a vote-loser, saying "Look, we were in charge during the worst economic crisis in UK history, which we did not notice until it was way too late, we have a leader who is less popular than Michael Foot, we stood back and did nothing during various heath and social care scandals and we're still level-pegging with the Tories. What do we have to do to make people hate us? And the constituency boundaries are to our advantage. We can do anything we like and we're still going to win. The bookies have us down at evens. So who cares?"
David Miliband is 49.