Can we trust politcians? Do they trust us? Can you tell when they are lying because their lips are moving? Does a bear shit in the woods? And if it does and there is no one there to hear it, does it still make a sound? These are just some of the questions that voters urgently want answers to with a general election less than a year away now.
Tory toff David Cameron promised us a referendum on Europe, but he hasn't given it to us because he doesn't trust us. That's right, the government doesn't even trust us to vote on our own future because they say we don't understand the ramifications of not being in Europe.
Now, a report by people who were almost certainly horribly bullied at school has revealed that the government has no trust in us whatsoever. About anything!
According to the report, the government see us all as swivel-eyed racists, hopeless alcoholics, idiots for spending our spare time and money on "crack cocaine", roulette machines, and in Greggs, and generally politically uninformed. This is actually mostly correct, but, it seems, as well as not trusting us how to vote, they don't trust us to even run our own lives.
Brian Godwin of Dagenham, told us, "I'd had a good win on the horses and was in a great mood. I got home and the urge took me, so i decided to make love to my wife on the kichen table. I was getting really carried away when i noticed three men in suits looking through the kitchen window. One of them, Vince Cable, i think, had a clipboard and was taking notes. When i'd finished, he shook his head disparagingly at the other two and suggested that my wife would probably have preferred to have been bent over the washing machine. One of the others muttered something about not wanting to use my cutlery either, and they left. I was gobsmacked, and it really took the shine off the Yankee I'd just had up."
It seems that although the nasty Tory party don't even trust us to shag the missus properly, this habit of snooping was prevalent under the last administration, too. Tony Noah, from Tring, revealed to the Spoof last night, "I got in from work and was busting for a shit. I ran in to the bathroom, didn't even close the door, and undid my jeans. This was one of those ones where it was half out before I'd even sat down. Proper gagging I was. I picked up the paper, and got engrossed in a story about Kerry Katona's nose dropping off, and I sat there for ages. Suddenly, I heard a voice say "if you don't wipe soon you get clinkers in your arse hair". I looked up and saw a labrador in the doorway. I was just about to throw the air freshener at it, when the door opened a bit more, and I realised David Blunkett was stood there as well."
"He told me, "I'd do the first wipe with a baby wipe if I were you. You'll be a bit sore otherwise." I thanked him, pushed the door closed, and finished what I was doing. I felt really odd afterwards. I mean, I've been a Labour voter all me life and I'm glad they've got initiatives for looking out for people at home, but bloody hell, surely David Blunkett is the last man that should be giving advice on matters like that."
As sad as these heartbreaking accounts are, perhaps the government is right not to trust us, after all. In fairness, who would trust a grown man that spends all his spare time on websites reading a stranger's blatant and gratuitous lies about made-up people's exaggerated bodily functions?