Bogus Veteran Punished

Funny story written by D P Whitehead

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

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He Got This From Julius Caesar

A man who embellished his military record to appear as a highly-decorated war hero has been sentenced to 30 days in federal prison, authorities said.

Paul Haslam, 45, of San Diego, was convicted of altering a military or naval discharge certificate, United States Attorney William Body announced Monday.

United States District Judge David Preddy ordered Haslam serve 30 days in prison.

Haslam, according to court records, altered his service records to show that he single handedly attacked a compound containing several thousand German troops during the D-Day operations of 1945. According to the doctored records Haslam parachuted behind enemy lines, armed only with a baseball bat and proceeded to "knock the shit" out of thousands of surprised Nazi storm troopers.

It was annotated he was awarded a Purple Heart for this action and a selection of beautiful women, provided by the Government, which he could use "anytime he wanted".

It was also recorded on his records that he successfully led a ramshackle army of volunteers during the American War of Independence and proceeded to "kick some limey butt".

Doctored records showed that he took on over 10,000 British troops in hand to hand to combat that lasted "hours", resulting in Haslam being awarded a Medal of Honor.

Haslam's exploits were eventually questioned and his deceit uncovered after experts noticed that, according to his records, he led a counterattack against Chief Sitting Bull, shortly after the defeat of the 7th Cavalry.

"It didn't all add up" claimed Colonel M K Smart "I mean, I was at the Battle of Little BigHorn and I never saw him."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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