Halal tap water causes outrage

Funny story written by IainB

Friday, 9 May 2014

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Even the water we drink is halal

First it was Subway that was selling halal meat, then Pizza Express, now it turns out halal produce is everywhere, including the water coming out of British taps.

"This is an outrage," said Nick Farage, head of UKIP. "Why isn't this on the news? This is an outrage. I have discovered that all the bottled water sold in the UK is also halal. This is the muslimification of Britain."

An enterprising company in Workington called Bishop's Water, has employed three Catholic bishops to bless all the water they sell, and North West Water are considering hiring their own bishops to bless the reservoirs, and hopefully return the water to a non-halal state.

However, Muslim cleric, Al an Hansan, has said that this may not be enough.

"It looks like a good defence," he said, "but on closer inspection, you'll have to agree, it's full of holes."

Hansan pointed out that halal means "Not prohibited by the Koran."

"This makes Smarties halal," said Hansan. "Jellied eels and the Chuckle Brothers. Anything from after the Koran was written really. Loose Women is probably halal. Blessing the water's nice, but it won't change that it's halal any more than selling a Rolls Royce in Shanghai will stop it being Occidental, or a butcher doing an army assault course from being a civilian. if Jesus was still here, he could turn all the water into wine - now that would be non-halal."

Despite the word halal being an allowed word in Scrabble ("Further proof we're handing the keys of the country over," said Farage, interrupting the narrative quite rudely) very few newspaper journalists have bothered to look up the word in a dictionary.

"At the end of the day," said Matthew Matthews, son of Bernard, and CEO of the largest turkey farm in the world, "a dead turkey is a dead turkey. If we can sell turkeys to another ten million more Britains by killing it in a certain way that's still humane, we'll do it. We used to slice their head off. It wasn't very precise. Now we cut three quarters through their neck, same effect, more precise, and Muslims can have a turkey burger. It doesn't affect the burger in any way. It's still tastes like fat and crap."

Farage has insisted that if he's elected prime minister, he'll have huge warehouses built for humanely gassing cows, pigs, chickens, lambs and turkeys.

"Definitely not for black people and the Jewish," he added, hastily.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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