SCOTLAND – (Satire News) – The reason why Scottish independence is being pushed for is much simpler than one might think. Why this is so, one may ask. Here we tell you the secret about it. The reason is a large clean lake in Scotland. It is commo…
CHICAGO - (Satire News) - The World Health Federation (WHF) has issued a warning to the citizens of the United States regarding drinking water bottles that were manufactured in a plant in Kalamazoo, Michigan. An article which appeared in The Detro…
CHICAGO – (Satire News) – Environmental scientists have released a report stating that, due to climate change, Lake Michigan could be totally bone dry by 2028. The experts said that when that happens, the city of Chicago is going to find itself up…
A distinct change in normal weather conditions left one man with no option but to endure a freezing cold shower this morning, an experience that virtually 'shrivelled up' some parts of his anatomy. The unseasonal week-long rainfall and dramatic dr…
A man has told of how, as he was filling a kettle with some cold water so that he could make a cup of tea this afternoon, he was distracted by the sound of cows mooing outside his back door, and inadvertently allowed the water in the kettle to rise a…
A man who suspected he might have trouble finding sufficient supplies of clean potable water for his family during the current worldwide health scare, has bought what's been described as an enormous quantity of drinking water to 'get them through the...
Zoologists have flocked to the ancient fishing city of Kingston Upon Hull after sightings of “The Beast of Barmston Drain” escalated in the past month. Fourteen sightings of the Beast have been reported, and locals are beginning to feel unsafe in the...
A man who decided he would 'knuckle down' and do some 'hard graft' on Saturday, spent all day digging a trench in his back garden, only to have to fill it in again when his wife arrived home and told him it was in the wrong place. Moys Kenwood, 56...
It was recently discovered by residents of Goodstun, Arizona that the local log ride, built in 1957, has, in fact, been using dirty water for years. The discovery was made when local scientists from the Goodstun YMCA tested the ph balance only fo...
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. That was several years ago. They haven’t been seen since. Okay, okay, strictly speaking, the twins didn’t go to “fetch a pail of water.” It didn’t happen exactly like the nursery rhyme. But they DID go up a hill and were never seen coming down. That’s a definite. And water played a big, big part in the story of the two missing seventh...
Mike Hydrogen and Kate Oxygen, known throughout the world as the important duo Water, have admitted that they are really only sticking together for the kids. Hydrogren said: 'I always felt I was doing all of the work. There I was, putting in twice...
The Environmental Protection Agency recently tested the quality of drinking water for the town of Sedona, Arizona. The water passed all tests with flying colors. Unfortunately this did not bode well for the town of 10,000 residents who immediately...
One thing you can always rely on with BATTL News is that we will eventually come back with something irrelevant and pointless just when you thought we'd finally buggered off. Yet after discovering that a "Water Only Bar" was to open in London we k...
The Appomattox River Water Authority on Thursday announced that mandatory water usage will go into effect next Thursday, Jul. 30. The announcement was made due to increasing water levels at Lake Chesdin, a 3,100-acre water supply reservoir on the...
Scientists are asking if water, though the purest liquid one can imbibe, may possibly cause brain chemical imbalance, leading to Depression. 'It may even be, that, getting drunk on alcohol is actually better, for maintaining optimism and not actu...
President Barack Obama is considering acting against the fluoridation of drinking water in the US. Almost seventy percent of the nation's household water supply is currently fluoridated despite the mounting evidence that it is actually injurious to h...
Investors are clamouring to buy shares in Welsh Mixers P.L.C as news broke yesterday that gigantic Welsh reservoirs containing ice and lemon are to be commissioned in Snowdonia. An open "aquaduct" system will be built to supply London's Hoorah H...
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