Scottish Labour today announced that it is to be genetically modified in a bold attempt to prevent it from becoming extinct.
Leader Johann Lamont launched the initiative from the Glasgow Science Centre, where she says the idea first entered her head after a day out looking at sciencey things. "This will make Scottish Labour bigger, stronger, faster and dead cleverer than anyone else," she said.
In a brave act of leadership, Lamont is the first to be modified, being fitted with a delay switch in her voice box to prevent her from opening her mouth and letting the first stupid thing in her head to come out. "This'll improve me no end," Lamont beamed.
Also revealed were audacious plans to turn the Isle of Arran into "a Labour Farm" where people will be grown in fields, eventually blooming into fully grown socialists come harvest time.
The deal was struck by former Labour leader Lord McConnell, who grew up on the island. "We hope this project will produce an all-new red machine that will undo all the awfulness that Tony Blair started in '97, when he started destroying the party from the inside out," he said.
"The plan is to stop spoon feeding our members shite and instead raise them on the work of Keir Hardie, Anuerin Bevan and Clement Attlee. This way, we can become the Labour Party of old and not this weak, watered down middle-of-the-road pish we are now."
Johann Lamont agreed, saying "We are total arseholes at the moment so anything is worth a try," before adding "Aw fuck, I've done it again".
