Ratzinger's UK bagman does a runner

Funny story written by queen mudder

Friday, 11 August 2006

image for Ratzinger's UK bagman does a runner
Navarro-Valls in his doctorate regalia from the Vatican's Tin Foil Hat University

London - (AssoCIAted Mess): The Papal Pro-Nuncio in London Joaquin Navarro-Valls has fled his Vatican-appointed Dead Sea Scrolls office following UK press reports that linked his offshore bank accounts held at the Riggs Bank, Pyongyang branch, to two dozen suspected Islamic fundamentalist mercenaries hired by Charles Windsor's son William to blow up dozens of US-bound airline passenger planes.

The move comes hot on the heels of UK spooks' strartling revelations that have shown Pope Ratzinger and former Indian Prime Monster Indira Ghandi are the biological parents of the War Against Terra's No 1 suspect Osama Bin Laden.

The spawning is understood to have occured after a spate of off-balance-sheet inter-faith cross-fertilization sessions at a covert Vatican seminary in the Medellin district of Colombia where the hybrid was conceived on the back of a cocaine lorry bound for Moscow.

Navarro-Valls, pictured here in full ceremonial doctoral regalia from the Vatican's ultra-right wing stink-tank the Tin Foil Hat University, has long been credited as the brains behind the Holy Sea's PR campaign to erase all mention of Ratzinger's Third Reich paternity and pay off Bill Gates to excise internet connections linking the IRA with the Nazis.

As an amateur psychiatrist and part-time snake-oil salesman, Navarro-Valls was often mistaken for former Pakistani cricketer-turned-political wannabee Imran Khan, whom he slightly resembles when air-brushing geniuses do their work properly on his zit-encrusted visage.

A lifetime member of Opus Dei, Navarro-Valls became indispensable to Ratzinger's predecessor Pope JP2 Lodge when the latter was experiencing extremen anguish in trying to convince NATO military inspectors that he had nothing to do with the assasination of his predecessor Pope JP1 nor with the subsequent murder of 'God's Banker' Roberto Calvi.

His interpretation of the latter's acute depressive tendencies that led to an Interpol assumption of suicide following Calvi's hanging under London's Blackfriars Bridge in June 1982 is still seen as the seminal thesis that won him his honorary doctorate at the Vatican's elite Tin Foil Hat academy.

Subsequent official consultancies from the Pontfical Office for Faith in the Docrtrinal Cover-Up have included feasibility studies for building an official Vatican observatory connected to Search for Extra-Terrestrial Life organizations, where the opportunities for possible future recruitment of new Opus Dei converts were once thought to flourish.

Recent Interpol reports have hinted that Navarro-Valls may have a safe-house in the Reverend Sun Myng Moon's Unification Bowel Movement headquartered at Wacko, Texas, just a few short miles away from the Prarie Chapel Lodge home of George W Bush and family.

An international arrest warrant has, however, been issued for his arrest and further developments are expected imminently.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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