Theresa May has announced that she's sending preacher Abu Qatada back to Jordan. Qatada was deeply distressed by this and said 'No, please don't make me go. Jordan makes me dress in pink hot pants and every night she sings at me until I scream. I would rather go and live on a council estate than see Jordan again.'
Mrs May is now threatening to send him to Jodie Marsh but unfortunately Mr Qatada has now vanished and London's policeman can't find him anywhere. We asked Jordan for her opinion on these claims but her monkey declined to comment. However, he did give us a lovely smile in bright red lip gloss.