News filtered in last night that The Devil is set to be investigated by a team of professionals from Trading Standards after accusations that he has been offering poor deals to people wishing to sell their souls.
In the past The Devil has been known to offer deals involving wealth, longevity, or select talents such as guitar playing or opera singing, in return for souls. But angered clients are now reporting shameful offers that include toothpicks, matches, and packets of L&B. One news story stated that he'd offered a woman the ability to cartwheel and a timid man the confidence to shout loudly. People are up in arms.
"It's an outrage," said Lionel Puccini. "I went to him with the idea of selling my soul in return for a cure for my diabetes. He took my soul and sent me off with a packet of softmints. Somebody needs to stop this. He's taking advantage of the vulnerable."
It isn't the first time that The Devil has been in the news in recent times. A few weeks ago he was lambasted for offering dinner parties in Hell in exchange for hundreds of thousands of pounds, and just before Christmas it was revealed that he'd been shagging Rupert Murdoch in return for favourable coverage in his tabloids. Eyebrows were raised in November when a Saturday edition of The Sun lead with the headline - "The Devil. Could he be the new Jesus?"
When asked to comment on the news of an investigation, The Devil defended himself by shouting - "Do they not realise that there's a depression going on in hell?! Times are tough for me as well you know! The minimum wage is through the roof and I'm expected to keep forking out for souls?! It's a fucking disgrace! People just want to take, take, take. There's no give when you're the devil! What do I want souls for anyway? They're all just sat there in the garage doing nothing! It's all gone topsy-turvy. The rich are poor and the poor are rich. Even my shoe shine boy has his own shoe shine boy!"
Meanwhile, the timid man is now said to be attending anger management classes.
