Woman named "London's Worst Cyclist"

Written by bigmeuprudeboy

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

image for Woman named "London's Worst Cyclist"
Okyaa in a picture from her Posh School's yearbook

A Clerkenwell woman has been named London's Worst Cyclist 2011 at the prestigious London Cycling Like a Dick Awards.

22 year old Fashion Magazine editorial assistant Tamara Okyaa scooped the award last night at the Hoxton hotel ceremony after dazzling judges with her inappropriate cycling attire, contempt for traffic signals and pedestrians and complete and utter lack of road sense.

Judges were wowed by the former Wycombe Abbey and Goldsmith's student citing her ability to ignore red lights at Pedestrian crossings, her skill in nearly being squashed by buses, her complete inability to use even the most basic of hand signals, for her stupid long floral skirts which frequently became caught in the chain of her stupid £700 Pashley bicycle and for the tiny shivering, rat-like dog she carried around in her bike's basket.

Judges specifically picked out the June 2011 incident when Okyaa cycled the wrong way down the middle of a busy one way Soho street while simultaneously talking to her friend Jack on her mobile phone and drinking from a large Starbucks coffee as a 'staggering example of bad cycling that exemplifies Cycling like a dick in London'.

Speaking afterwards a visibly elated Okyaa modestly spoke of her achievements; "yeah,... yeah Its a great honour" said the silly stuck up tart while talking like Peaches Geldof and pushing her hair back from her face "I've been cycling for a few months now from home to work and have narrowly avoided hitting several people at traffic lights and getting my head squashed like an overripe watermelon by a Tesco lorry - I mean why should I stop or give way? Ive got an £700 bike for god's sake".

The awards, now in their 10th year, were tinged with sadness however when it was revealed that 2009 Double London's Worst Cyclist and 'Most Tattoos and piercings' awards winner and courier Dan Snootie had died when his Sticker covered, break-less, fixie track bike had hit a taxi that refused to get out of his way.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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