Maths teacher from Dorking banned from watching Ladies Tennis

Funny story written by Rebel Not Taken

Friday, 10 June 2011


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Retired Maths teacher Eric Nonce has been refused entry to this year's Eastbourne Open Ladies Tennis Tournament.

Happily married Nonce, 69, from Dorking, was ejected from the court last time round after "looking up ladies' skirts".

Eastbourne is a notoriously windy venue and Tournament Organiser Fanny Mount claims CCTV footage clearly identified Mr Nonce sitting in "an advantageous position" at the back of the court.

Eric Nonce told a police constable that he was "fully focused" on solving an anagram in The Daily Telegraph crossword and was not "staring at womens' bottoms".

But a neighbour of Eric Nonce has told reporters that he has a "history of this kind of thing".

Doris Trellis, of the Dorking Women's Institute, has revealed that the same "gentleman" was behind the 'Anna Kournikova Virus' in 2001.

With the help of a home made computer, he had tricked fans into clicking a link which promised to show nude photographs of the Russian Babe.

But all the hapless and disappointed tennis buffs got to see was Mr Nonce's Logarithm Tables.

Eric Nonce also appeared on Mastermind in 2005, quoting 'vital statistics of female tennis players' as his Specialist Subject. He achieved a record score for this but was let down by his General Knowledge and ultimately finished last.

Mr Nonce's loyal wife, Ethel, was herself a promising tennis player in bygone days.
She once partnered English Home Counties 'pin up' Anne Haydon-Jones in the Women's Doubles Tournament at Eastbourne in 1964.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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