Written by Morse

Sunday, 5 December 2010

image for Tom Brady Vows to Shave his Head & Wax his Balls if Patriots Lose to Jets Monday Night!
Jet's Linebacker Paco Fernandez Has Message for Brady Bunch Leading up to Monday Night Showdown!

Appearing relaxed and confidant, NE Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, reclining in front of his fireplace clad in flannel boxer shorts and calf high sheepskin house slippers, said he would 'go commando' if his team loses to those "loud mouth fat NY Bastards" in the upcoming showdown for league supremacy.

Brady has grown his golden retriever locks to long lengths this year, and while not yet worn in a pony tail or dreadlocks, some are concerned his vision may soon become impaired. As for his personal pubic hair, only his stylist knows for sure, and so far she's been keeping her lips sealed, at least to the public.

Brady's Pats will be facing off against the mouthy NY Jets team coached by Fat Rex Ryan, the off spring of former coach Fatter father Buddy Ryan, who resembles the Goodyear Blimp, but with less style.

Tom Terrific, married to the classy super model Gisele Bundchen, father of his 2nd child, and first within the confines of wedlock, is coming off a stellar day against the hapless Detroit Lions, a team in disarray, and rumoured to be soon bailed out by the Obama Administration who already own most of the Car Industry and Detroit and continue to pursue bad investments.

Brady had a "perfect" quarterback rating of 158.3 in the Detroit victory, although why a perfect rating doesn't reflect an even number, escapes this sports writer, as 158 or 159 seems to reflect more certainty of perfection than a number with a dangling decimal.

Fellow Spoof Sports Writer and Syndicated Columnist Abel Rodriquez, also agreed. " A measurement reflecting success or athletic prowess should only be expressed in whole numbers," he said from his writing desk, " fractions, millimeters and c**t hairs should only be used in stories discussing John Gosselin's wee winkie, and that's all I'm going to say about that, Cara de culo!" (arse face)

Despite most of America being behind Brady and his inscrutable coach Bill Belichick, Rodriquez says he's rooting for the Jets, mostly because of their Quarterback Mark Sanchez, formerly of USC, being a stellar representative of the Mexican -American community, although there is some question arising over his sexual orientation.

Said Abel, " I'm working with his agent on that misconception after Mark made some unfortunate remarks when he didn't think he was being recorded, sometimes he's just a big Pajero! (wanker)

Sanchez unfortunately said after being drafted by the Jets, "Si me gueda la zapatilla, me puedas llamer Cenicienta," roughly translated meaning after getting the golden slipper he felt like Cinderella, which didn't fit the image the Jets were trying to portray.

Later, while out celebrating in New York's Greenwich Village, he was recorded on a cellphone telling an attractive woman, " Eres la chica mas bonita en este aungue eres travesti!" which was unfortunate that he found a transvestite to be the most beautiful woman in the entire biker bar!

Sanchez himself has apologized for misspeaking saying " Realmete, no pueda hablar espnanol; solo aprende mas frases de una pagina web!" claiming he lost the ability to speak spanish while at USC, and only uses a few phrases picked up from internet web sites to keep his spanish sponsors and people like Abel happy!

Brady, excusing himself from the interview as his services were required up stairs in the master suite, said "Tell Mark for me, "Usted es un joto!" (definitely in a gay way)

Hearing this slur later, Sanchez grabbed his crotch and said, " Tell Brady, I've got his Pinga....right here!"

Hasta La Monday Noche!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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