Contrary to all indications, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner does have a heart, which was proven today when it exploded like a hand-grenade in his chest, killing the 80 year-old.
A representative for the Steinbrenner family has released a statement saying, "It is with profound sadness that the family of George M. Steinbrenner III announces his passing. He passed away this morning in Tampa, Fla., at age 80. We've already began selling off his sh-t."
Steinbrenner -- ranked #4 in the list of All-time Greatest A--holes by Dickbag Magazine -- retired from running the Yankees in 2006, leaving his sons Hank and Hal to overpay for talent past its prime.
Steinbrenner lived a controversial life, and was not a stranger to criminal behavior, having been convicted of a felony charge of obstruction of justice in 1973, following some illegal contributions to Nixon's re-election campaign that year.
In one of his last acts before losing bowel control, President Ronald Reagan pardoned Steinbrenner in 1989.
Since Steinbrenner took over the Yankees, in 1973, the Yankees locked up 11 pennants and 7 World Series titles, and 245,241 death threats from drunken Southies who continue to support the Red Sox, violating God's decree against it.
The family spoke about funeral arrangements: "Since Mr. Steinbrenner's body was brought straight to Hades in a chariot of fire, there will be no funeral arrangements. There will be a public service so that New York City millionaires, who would eat a dog sh-t sandwich just to get their photo in the Post, can see and be seen.
While his death is not considered suspicious, the NYPD Major Case Squad has requested the whereabouts of Kevin Youkilis, Reggie Jackson, Joe Torre, the corpse of Billy Martin, Dave Winfield, Fay vincent, Robert E. Nederlander, Gene Michael, Tony Kubek, all employees of the YES Network, Jim Kaat, and all of the 2009 Philadelphia Phillies, this morning.
In another surprise move, Gary Coleman's ex-wife Shannon Price has not yet produced a Steinbrenner Will, establishing herself as Steinbrenner's sole heir, although the day is young.
The family continues to have high hopes for the season, despite this sadness: "While we will miss our beloved George, we still need to focus on the New York Yankees, the fact that Jorge Posada gets injured scratching his own nuts, and that our 4, 5 and 6 hitters couldn't hit a fastball down and in with a columm from the Parthenon."
