So it's England v Germany in the last 16 of the World Cup. It had to happen sooner or later. Nothing to worry about - at least according to High Street butcher, Jack Jones, of Walmington on sea, who has a few tips for Steven Gerrard and the lads when they take to the field on Sunday.
Jones, a World War One veteran and Home Guard Corporal in World War Two has had more than his fair share of dealing with the bosch.
"It's the cold steel you see," he told a Skoob News reporter. "They don't like it up 'em. The old fixed bayonet up the jacksie. They do not like it. Oh no. Especially the parachutists. That John Terry chap looks like he'd be quite handy with the bayonet. As long as he waits until he can see the whites of their eyes - and then bish bash bosh! Disembowel their forwards on the edge of the box. They don't like it up 'em you see."
England don't have a great record against the Germans in tournaments, but there's always 1966 and the 5-1 in Munich to fall back on. Plus we are assured from the highest sources that Fabio Capello won't switch allegiances at half time.
We leave the last word to Jack Jones:
DON'T PANIC!
More as we get it.
