Written by Gary Midgeley

Monday, 21 June 2010

image for England Team In The Toilet?
Fans 'lack of toilets' protest

The England fan who caused a security alert when he wandered into the team's dressing room after their goalless draw with Algeria at the World Cup says he was only looking for the toilet.

Fan Pavlos Joseph, managed to evade heavy security by using the very cunning method of 'just walking past them', a method thought only to be known by top SAS and Navy Seals trained people. He then went into the England team's dressing room and found himself surrounded by very, very shocked and surprised England players and staff and came face-to-face with former England skipper David Beckham. He then took the opportunity to vent some frustration to Beckham after England's lack lustre draw, which left England on the brink of being knocked out of the World Cup.

After the incident, he was lead away by FIFA officials and charged with trespassing.

In his defence, Pavlos, 32, now claims he was just looking to relieve himself, "I was only looking for the toilet", he said, "I never once tried to sneak past security, in fact they were the ones that pointed me in the direction of the dressing room, I asked them where the toilet was and they pointed toward the England dressing room and told me "shit in there", it didn't look right so I asked another security guard and he pointed to the same place and told me "they take the piss in there", so I assumed it was right and just their translation for toilet".

The mortgage adviser from South-east London then went on to explain, "As soon as I entered, I instantly realised it was the England dressing room because of the strong smell from all the rubbish, then I noticed the players all sitting there, wearing only towels and looking at me. I thought they were going to jump up and attack me but remembered, they aren't that good at attacking and if they did, it would be a literal case of the shit hitting the fan. I approached a confused looking David Beckham and basically told him what I thought of the game, that's all. I couldn't miss an opportunity like that and proud I did it".

When asked what it felt like to actually meet the England squad, he smiled, "It was a surreal experience and I was extremely excited, standing in the dressing room surrounded by a squad of half naked, tired, sweaty footballers, now I know what Katie Price felt like".

Pavlos also claimed whilst in the room to have seen Joe Cole naked and coming out of the shower, a claim that hasn't been believed by all as Joe Cole never got on the pitch during the game, but that claim has now has been confirmed by Joe Cole himself, explaining that he desperately needed the shower after the 90 minutes of hard work he had to do translating all the insults from English to Italian that were coming from the stands and also trying to explain to Capello what P45 meant, a long 90 minutes which he described as "exhausting".

The solicitor representing the toilet seeking fan is hopeful of getting the trespassing charge dropped against his client by making counter charges against the England players of fraud for impersonating a football team. Experts believe he has a good case.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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