In what will be the most radical shake-up in the sport since Thierry Henry invented the legal handball, FIFA have confirmed that they intend to abolish the offside rule. The plan is to make the game a more entertaining spectacle. Rumours that Sam Allardyce was to be banned for the same reason are as yet unconfirmed.
Veteran BBC commentator Barry Davies said "I'm all in favour of it. They did the same in hockey and look how many people watch that!" he said before the nurse arrived with his medication.
Sepp Fatter, the head of FIFA, said "To be honest, most referees haven't got a clue what offside is. They can't keep up with the game, make too many mistakes and are an embarrassment. We toyed with the idea of introducing extra officials, but now we think we might just as well reduce the number. They are a total waste of space."
Sir Alex Ferguson was asked for his opinion. "No chance! How can I call for twenty minutes to be added on at the end if we are going to have fewer stoppages? Madness!"
The offside rule has its origins in the football played in the public schools in the nineteenth century. The oldest set of rules still in existence are the "Shrewsbury Rules" of 1856. Gradually the rule evolved into the mess that is today's offside rule. The finest practitioners of the "offside trap" were the Arsenal team of the late 1980s-earl 1990s, who perfected the art of killing the game so well that insomniacs regularly packed out the terraces.
Latest score: England 0 Papua New Guinea 5
John Terry and Ashley Cole sent off for repeatedly straying offside.
