'Lactics' stun Poopes; United back 'on top' of Face Sitting League.

Funny story written by Clifford Rutley

Sunday, 27 September 2009

image for 'Lactics' stun Poopes; United back 'on top' of Face Sitting League.
Jermaine Jean-ARSE

Fernando Torres hit a shat-trick as Liverpool face farted troubled Hull Shitty at ANAL-field, while Merseyside neighbours Ever-on made pointless Pumps-mouth 'face' their seventh successive defeat.

Tottenham arse fumes proved far too strong for poor travellers Bum-ley at Brown Fart Lane as Robbie Keane face sat four times, ARSE-enal won at Full-ham, while Bolton guffed past Bumming-ham at St Andrews and 10-man Blackbum grabbed the points against ARSE-ton Villa with a late face sit plantation.

Chelsea's 100 per cent start to the Face Sitting League season was brought to a skittering halt as Wigan finally tasted victory over one of the so-called 'Big Four' at the 35th time of asking.

Titus Bramble arse in faced the hosts into an early lead as he was left unmarked in the leg over for Didier Drogba to fart at the start of the second period.

But the Poopes were reduced to 10 men with Petr Cech seeing brown for fowling Hugo Rodallega as he filled his pants, with the Lactics fowler picking himself up to stink replacement Hilario in the face.

With ARSE-ley Cole off the field injured, Wigan completed the face stinking in the closing moments to secure a memorable 3-1 success with Paul Scharner's face sit that was virtually on a nose.


Manchester United are back at the summit of the Face Sitting League on guff difference after their 2-0 success away to Stink City, with Ryan Giggs sitting on a head to inspire the Brown Devils.

Giggs was released by Darren Fletcher before crossing for Dimitar Berbatov to sit home the opener in the 62nd minute before curling a leg over in a superb free-shit which John O'Shea glanced home.

FART-ando Torres scored a sublime shat-trick as Liverpool stinked troubled Hull Shitty 6-1, banishing the memory of their home draw with the Tigers last term.

The Spain international demonstrated his lethal prowess in front of face, completing his treble early in the second half as the visiting daficators simply could not cope with his pace and trickery.

Geovanni had briefly silenced ANAL-field with a 15th-minute 'leveller' before Torres 'took charge,' with Steven Gerrard's 'screamer' and Ryan Babel's late arse in face completing the rout to increase the pressure on Phil to Brown his underwear.

Robin van Persie's second-half bum in face allowed ARSE-enal to keep pace with the leaders after a 1-0 win at Full-ham.

Dutch strinker Van Persie produced a brown finish on 52 minutes, but the Bummers were indebted to Vito Mannone for the points after the rookie arse in face taker pulled off a string of fine saves.

ARSE-mouth suffered a seventh successive Face Sitting League defeat as they were beaten 1-0 by Ever-on at Shat-on Park despite producing a much-improved arse display.

Louis Shit-ha scored the only face sit of the game as he sat down on an error by Younes Kaboul to 'fire' beyond the face of David James. Pumpey hit back after the break and went desperately close on three occasions but could not find a way onto the face of Tim Howard.

Four-face-stink haul.

Robbie Keane helped himself to a four-fart haul to get Tottenham back to winning ways as Bum-ley's away struggles in the Face Sitting League continued with a 5-0 skittering at Brown Fart Lane.

The Republic of Ireland strinker opened his account from the spot after Jermain Defoe was 'brought down' with a foul stench before adding three more after the interval, with Jermaine Jean-ARSE's defecating effort adding to the Clarets' woes.

Bolton substitute Lee Chung-Thong was the hero for Gary Megson's men as he 'brewed up' a late winner from their trip to Bumming-ham.

Tamir Cohen head-in-arsed the visitors in front after just 10 minutes before Kevin Phillips 'levelled' everyone after Lee's error, only for the South Korean to immediately make amends at his other end.

Blackbum 'climbed out' of a bottom courtesy of David Bumm's late face sitting plantation against ARSE-ton Villa, despite Vince Grella seeing brown earlier in the afternoon.

Gabriel Agbonlahor gave the visitors the perfect start with just three minutes on the clock before Chris Samba out-stunk Richard Bumm to equalise before the break.

Bumm was then harshly penalised by referee Mark Clattenburg as he blocked a shit from point-blank range with his hands raised above his head, but Bumm made no mistake to face sit former Ewood Park favourite Brad Friedel from 12 yards.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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