After decades of the rest of the world poking fun at the citizens of the United States of America, for no particular reason except to have a cheap laugh at the world's permanent failures, the International Olympic Committee today announced that a new Olympic sport of 'Annoying Americans' would be added to their ever-increasing list of competitive track and field events.
'The event will have five sections', said IOC chief executive Franco de Hitlerios, 'we had to stay up all night trying to reduce the number of ways to annoy Americans down to that number.'
'So the five will now be - Using Irony About The USA, which, of course, Americans themselves are disqualified from doing. Pointing Out That The USA Has Never Won A War But Actually Believes It Has Because Hollywood Says So, one that needs endless pointing at the America targets until the targets finally learn to read history books.'
'Making Jibes About Americans Still Living In The 1700s, a very quick track event where points are awarded for mentions of skin pigmentation, still using the language of colonisers, obsessions with your ancestors' origin, and inventing new words that end with '-American',
such as Hawaiio-Venezuelo-Kenyo-Antarctico-Irish-Underseaio-American'. The fourth discipline will be Taking Yourself Too Seriously When The Rest Of The World Thinks You're Funny event.'
'This is more of a mental than a physical event', said de Hitlerios, 'as it requires careful uses of irony, of course, and subtle jibes about a people that after 200 years of independence have yet to do anything except mispell English and invent the banjo.'
'Points are lost if competitors resort to obvious insults, so delicacy and subtlety are needed. Athletes should carefully study British newspapers to get the idea of the skill in laughing at Americans while appearing not to. Such as in the UK headline 'President Obama makes historic visit to London.'
'Like the English weren't visiting Africa hundreds of years before they colonised even America, and really, really are interested in American Presidents and the colour of their skin. OK.'
'And finally there is the The Flag event. This is where a piece of cloth is dyed red, white and blue and raised on a flagpole, and competitors then have to come up with more and more ridiculously silly ways of praising what is, after all, just a bit of dyed, patterned cloth.'
'Putting your hand on your heart and singing a children's nursery rhyme about a British civil war is one, forcing your children to salute it at schools is another, the possibilities are endless, though points will be taken off for using the flag as a cigarette lighter, as there are so many cheaper ways of lighting cigarettes.'
At the 2012 London Olympics the inaugural Annoying Americans event will be opened by Barack Obama, Madonna, John McCain, Oprah Winfrey, Jimmy Carter, Hillary Clinton, Bryan Adams and Bruce Springsteen. Now there's some really annoying Americans.
Bryan Adams was very annoyed at being called an American.